Good Morning Heartbreak, You're Like An Old Friend. Come To Greet Me Yet Again...

Yes it's true. Every time I hear you voice, something in the vicinity of my chest begins to ache. It won't stop until you've left the room and people have stopped laughing at your jokes that really aren't all that funny. I see you in the hallway at school all the time. I stick that fake smile on and give you a small wave. You have no idea how hard it is for me to even muster up the strength to do just that. But I will still go out of my way to "run into you" during school. And yet I can't gather up enough courage to ask you if you want to hang out. Why can't I do this? I'm over you. I really am. When I'm with my friends I say it over and over again. Because it's the truth. But then someone actually says your name or I see you on the field and all these old feelings come rushing back into me. I can't even begin to explain why I like you. At this moment in time I don't know why I do. Sometimes I wish someone could explain to me why the mention of you drives me crazy. But I fear if they do that then I'll realize, all over again, the reasons I can't have you. And there is nothing I hate more than being reminded of why I can't have the things I want in life. I want to go to a different school. Shoreline is my home but Seattle is my life. I have my best friends there. I enjoy the enjoy the lifestyle and scenery of downtown. The people are crazy in a way that makes me laugh all the time. It's such a different atmosphere then Echo Lake or Richmond Beach. I'd rather spend my time in Lake City or Seattle Center than anywhere else in the vicinity. There you can be anyone you want to be. In Shoreline I feel like we all have to be, or be friends with, someone who has a fancy house in Richmond Beach with a view of the water. While that is a nice lifestyle, it's not realistic. Seattle allows the rich to rub elbows with the homeless and smile about it. Seattle is and always will be my home. I want, no need, to get out of Shoreine. It suffocates me to the point where I feel that I can no longer breathe. A new school, a new group of people, a new life will give me the air back. The air I so desperatley need.

Hello All

Hello there! I figured since some of my last posts weren't large on details or were just some dumb poems, I'd actually write about how I feel. Whoo! Fun times. Haha. In fact I think I might start doing this more frequently now. Anyways, today hasn't been a good day so far. I've been in a weird funk that I can't exactly explain. When I took a shower, somehow I had forgotten to wash my hair. Who the hell does that? And then I went and cleaned my room instead of surfing Myspace or Facebook. Believe me, you'd need a bulldozer to clean my room. And for those of you who know me I'm not exactly the most motivated person. Read: lazy. Not to mention I've been thinking of the most random person lately. And it's probably not who think it is. Read: not Anthony. It's someone I haven't thought about in a long time. And for me a long time is, in this case, three weeks. But my mom said the word tropical and suddenly I couldn't remove him from my brain. No idea why but it is what is. Oh and the picture relates to him. So! If he's reading this then he should know who I'm talking about right now. But blah blah blah. I know it's not going to happen. So I should just let it go. Right? Wrong. I hate how people tell you to let it go like it's just that simple. It's not that simple. If it was then no one would ever have a messy love life. All someone would have to do is tell themselves to not like the guy that always hurts them and fall for their best friend that has always been there and loves them to death. But that doesn't happen, so I would appreciate it if people stopped telling me to let him go. I would if I could assholes. Asdfghjkl; Gahh. Sorry. I just don't know right now. In fact this whole entry makes absolutely no sense, even to myself. My feelings are so mixed up inside of me. I don't know what to do anymore. I throw myself into situations I shouldn't. For the moment it makes me feel better to get lost in a moment I know will help me for whatever length it lasts. But then I go back to class and I feel emptier then before. I try to talk to people about it, but all they seem to do is scold me for doing it in the first place. Which is the right thing to do. What I'm doing is unexcusable. Except all I want is a little support every now again. The reason I do it because I'm lonely or horny or something! Whatever. I don't even know. I want to know that my actions can be forgiven no matter how many times I've done it or where it happened. When I see the reaction on people's faces when they hear what I've done it just kills me. It's wrong. AHHH! I'm getting myself confused again. Once again my mind is running in circles. I'm like a dog chasing its tail. I'll never catch it, but I enjoy the chase. What the fuck am I even saying right now? Shitt. I'm off to be dude. Maybe then I can actually get some answers. Peace.