And isn't that the truth? I want to be worth more than just some cheap bottle of gin and a couple packs of cigarettes. I want to actually do something with my life. I want my kids to like me. I want to have a good relationship with everyone in my life that I can. I want to have enough money not to live off of food stamps. But it's hard when your wants compete with your genes. It's hard but I think I can do it. I've been thinking about my grandma a lot lately. I started talking to an old girlfriend of my dad's and it really brought up a rush of old memories that I've tried to put out of my head. I haven't even been able to respond to one of her messages because I just don't know how to yet. Tammy if you can read this then I promise I will respond in due time, it'll just take a little bit. Anyways, tomorrow I am making a much needed pilgrimage to West Seattle. Or more specifically, my old neighborhood. I've tried it before but I couldn't even make it past the library which is five blocks from my old house. I just got right back on the bus and went home. But tomorrow I am FOR SURE going to that house. No idea what I'm going to do when I get there though. Will I laugh like I usually do in stressful or sad situations (I crack up at funerals.) Will I cry? Or will I just stand there like an idiot? Maybe I'll even just walk on past and not even bear to look at the house. Will I see my grandma, whose house is right next door. Does she still even live there? Do my old friends still live across the street? Is the park still there? Do I go and say hi to the now owners of my house? Do they know the connection between me and them? Do Mace and Stacey, my dad's old best friend and cousin, still live two houses down? The truth is there are so many questions floating around in my head about what I'll do. And for those of you that are wondering why the hell this is such a big deal to me, here's the answer: My dad and I have a history with his mom. And not a good one if you can tell. I don't feel like telling the whole story but the short version is this; he's been so messed up by her that the few times he does mention her, he calls the respondent because that is what she was called in the restraining order. Fuck okay well I gotta get some sleep, so night!
8.19.2009
Getting A Bit Personal Here
And isn't that the truth? I want to be worth more than just some cheap bottle of gin and a couple packs of cigarettes. I want to actually do something with my life. I want my kids to like me. I want to have a good relationship with everyone in my life that I can. I want to have enough money not to live off of food stamps. But it's hard when your wants compete with your genes. It's hard but I think I can do it. I've been thinking about my grandma a lot lately. I started talking to an old girlfriend of my dad's and it really brought up a rush of old memories that I've tried to put out of my head. I haven't even been able to respond to one of her messages because I just don't know how to yet. Tammy if you can read this then I promise I will respond in due time, it'll just take a little bit. Anyways, tomorrow I am making a much needed pilgrimage to West Seattle. Or more specifically, my old neighborhood. I've tried it before but I couldn't even make it past the library which is five blocks from my old house. I just got right back on the bus and went home. But tomorrow I am FOR SURE going to that house. No idea what I'm going to do when I get there though. Will I laugh like I usually do in stressful or sad situations (I crack up at funerals.) Will I cry? Or will I just stand there like an idiot? Maybe I'll even just walk on past and not even bear to look at the house. Will I see my grandma, whose house is right next door. Does she still even live there? Do my old friends still live across the street? Is the park still there? Do I go and say hi to the now owners of my house? Do they know the connection between me and them? Do Mace and Stacey, my dad's old best friend and cousin, still live two houses down? The truth is there are so many questions floating around in my head about what I'll do. And for those of you that are wondering why the hell this is such a big deal to me, here's the answer: My dad and I have a history with his mom. And not a good one if you can tell. I don't feel like telling the whole story but the short version is this; he's been so messed up by her that the few times he does mention her, he calls the respondent because that is what she was called in the restraining order. Fuck okay well I gotta get some sleep, so night!
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