Never Enough...

Poor, inferior, unsatisfactory, inadequate, unacceptable, not up to snuff, deficient, imperfect. All these words add up to one thing; not good enough. And it's how I feel on a daily basis. I work and work but I still can't even make it up to average. My G.P.A isn't high. I try and try but I still only manage to scrape by on high B's or low A's, save for Biology in which I have an F and math in which I have an A. I'm athletic and I try hard. But I didn't suck up so I wasn't a part of the varsity or districts team. My hair is never un-frizzy and is always sticking out in one direction or the other. Sometimes I forget to put lotion on my arms or even shave one my legs. So far I have not come across anything in life in which I can be better than just enough to get by. I suck at relationships too. I'm not even good enough to hold onto a boyfriend for more than one or two months. There is the problem with my reputation, but I've been trying to fix that. I don't want the one thing I'm good at being that I'm the village bicycle, where everyone has had a ride. I got fired from my job because I wasn't "authentic "enough to work there. I cleared dishes at a Mexican restaurant. That might be racist but I'm not exactly sure. I can't draw to save my life and only stick to random doodles on the side of paper during Biology. I'm an adequate writer. I have no luscious or rich vocabulary that fills the far corners of my brain. Nothing I do seems to be good enough for anyone. Just once in my life I want to be able to do something that is above the par of society. Just once I want tp be good enough. BTW: that's my secret up there :D

The Neighbor, Five Houses To The Left...

Oh my lord. Christian Elizabeth Mason! How I love your golden curls of sexxx :D You are one of the most amazing chicas I have ever met. There are so many things that remind me of you. So many in fact, that I cannot go a day without seeing something that reminds me of you. Haha. It goes all the way from 7-11 hot chocolate to creepers in subway. Our mutual hatred of Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana/Gehrke. I hope you like the picture I associate with you btw... And as I am typing this I am looking directly at our lovely Bethany G. Love her so much! Haha. God there are just so many little things that add up to our friendship! Uffie, Spiro, stealing food, undrinken milk, butt sex, Selena Gomez, inner-city kids, bowing, hott apple guys, fourth period, slut nicknames, lettuce wraps, slugbug game; just to name a couple... :D But yes, you are one of the most jaw-dropping and stupendous guuuurl ever. While I hate to hear it, I know that I can count on you to tell me what's what. You one of the only people I know that will tell me exactly how you feel about me. And I admire you for that. I can trust you with just about anything and know if I tell you not to tell, then that secret is kept under lock and key. If I'm having a crappy day, all I have to do is look at your 100 megawatt smile and the beautiful untamed mane atop your head, and I feel so much better. Ahwww (: Yes. Yes. I thoroughly hope you enjoy this entry and hope you know that there is so much more I can say about you then that is up here. And remember, I may be a hoe, but I am your hoe!

Eventually One Half Will Become Your Whole.

Today was the day I finally realized something. For the past couple months one part of me wanted one person while the other wanted someone else entirely. Today I realized that one half of me had stopped wanting someone. Now I want one single someone with all of me. Wow that made no sense. But ah. I just don't know what to do with how I feel. I like him. This would be a given. In fact it's probably pretty obvious. But I don't know how he feels. Ah. I know. I could have way worse problems than this. And I do. I just happen to shove all of those to the back of mind. I like focusing on my small problems because then it seems like all my bigger ones, aren't there anymore. Just for once I want my love life to go exactly the way I want it to go. Basically, I suck at relationships. I'm either too attached or we act more like friends. I can't seem to be able to find a middle ground. Not to mention I've made mistakes in my past, and I'll probably make those same ones in my future, so that kind of gave me a reputation I'd rather not have. With that in mind, it makes it harder to figure out what someones real intentions with me are. I'm not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me. I made the decisions that got me into that position in the first place. Hmm. Where was I? Oh yeah, I want to tell you. Maybe if you read this you'll figure it out. I don't know. Read between the lines or something cool like that. Who knows if you'll even read it? Oh my god. My brain's on freaking overdrive right now. I'm actually getting a headache. Happy Easter everyone (: