Unpretty

"I wish I could tie you up in my shoes, make you feel unpretty too. I was told I was beautiful but what does that mean to you?" I'm not an unattractive person. That isn't meant to sound conceited, it's just my opinion. If you look around at my friends they are all so beautiful. Whether it's their hair (Christian), their boobies (Christine haha) or their eyes (Lizzie.) I always feel like they outrank me in every category. Lately I've been tired so I try and sleep in as late as I can but this generally involves me not putting any make-up on in the morning. And then Christian pops by my door and I instantly regret it. I try again the next day and the next. I am hoping that one day I can feel good about who I am and what I look like. Personally, I blame the media for most of the problem. You can't turn on the t.v without seeing some stick thin model batting her eyelashes at you. It makes a lot of turn to our perfectly good looking bodies and feel fat. For me I am a little chubby in the stomach area but I really hope to tone it out this summer in Pilate's. But for the most part I have an okay looking body. But the thing that bothers me the most is when your own friends criticize you, even jokingly. As teenage girls our self esteem basically hits the floor when we hit high school. So even a small joke which we laugh off will stay in our minds as we go home and look in the mirror. For example I get teased for not having a butt. But when I look in the mirror I think it's nice and proportionate to the rest of my body since I have a more petite figure. But I still can't help and look at everyone around me and wish that I could have their complexion or their non-frizzy hair or their perfect teeth. High school sucks to begin with, the last thing we need is a whole bunch of gorgeous girls running around and screwing it up.

Not Just A Fleeting Thought

I don't know how many of you have thought about suicide. But I saw this secret on the site and saved it because it reminded me so much of what I did. Life is all peachy keen for me right now and I've never had like a super dee duper legit reason to want to off myself. But about a year ago I read this book called 13 Reasons Why. Ahh so some of you know it. I don't blame you, it's a very good book. For those of you that don't know it here is a summary: "Basically it's about a girl, Hannah Baker, who kills herself and leaves seven cassette tapes about why she did. There are thirteen reasons in all, one on each tape except for the last one which only has one. The story follows Clay, story number irrelevant, the guy who was in love with Hannah for three years. We soon learn the consequences of what may seem to be the smallest of things and how they can snowball into something we would all be affected by." Okay so I got some of that off of Amazon.com but really, I suck at summaries. Anyways when I started reading this book I became really affected by it. Sometimes I would sit and think about the best way to go. A month after I read I even tied a belt around my bunk bed but then quickly took it down. Now fast forward to February of this year, Mr.Stearns English class. We started book circle groups. Mine happened to choose 13 Reasons Why. When I read it again it stirred up a lot of old feelings. But this time I took my plan a little but further. I had a joural that I used for all sorts of important stuff; writing down poems, blog entry ideas, how to kill Jill/Mr.Witt. I took all of the papers out of it and shoved them somewhere deep down inside my closet and began to write. First I wrote a quick 'I'm Sorry' to my mom and dad. On the next page I listed down thirteen names. They were in no specific order at the beginning, just who popped into my brain first. I then spent a lot of time erasing, taking people off and putting them back on over and over again until I had a solid list. By this time it was about two o'clock on a March Saturday morning. How I remember that I have no idea but I just do. I drafted my first letter taking a lot of time to construct exactly what I was going to say. I then started spending a lot of time with that notebook. In the next seven days I had piles of missing homework and thirteen perfect goodbye letters. Now my plan was a little different, I wasn't going to send out one set of tapes and let it trickle down through each person. I had written one private letter to everyone on my list and now all I need were the addresses. Most I knew because I had either been to their houses or lived close to them. But some of the names I wasn't sure of. And let's face it, there is no discreet way of asking the EXACT location of someones house. After about a week I let go of the final two people and simply just added at the bottom of two other letters to please deliver their letters to them. I was so close to doing this dreadful deed that I actually went out to the store and bought some pills. Normally these pills are okay if taken one or two at a time but I planned on taking many. I had it all planned out too. What day, what house, what time, where to leave the letters so that would be found easily. As always I had my phone next to me, this time it was different because I had a bottle of pills next to me. I was home alone and now was as good time as ever to do it. Here's where it gets a bit like an over-clichéd teen movie scene. My phone vibrated and I looked down to see that I had one new text message. I flipped open my phone to find it was from a bestie. She was saying she had a great time with me and couldn't wait to see me at school. Do you remember who you are? Because you saved my life. Thank you. Now, the thirteen people that I wrote to: Tarsi Mouat, Christian Mason, Jenny Smith, Lisa Echert, Alan Pederson, Christine Day, Kathleen Kerrigan, Kai Kau, Katie Wachholz, Anna Lazar, Michelle Spoelhof, Sean B.H and Anahi Vicencio. And if you're interested, I still have the letters. So if you want to see them, which you probably don't, but if you do just tell me. When I think back on this I seriously think that this kind of out wasn't the answer. People should strongly consider what they're about to give up if they think that suicide is the right way to solve a problem.

Yet Another

As always I've been spending a lot of time thinking about what I need to do. And since I am now trying to forget the person that I go to for advice on guys, I'm pretty much on my own. I just need to know it's okay if I mess around with a guy. Lately relationships haven't been working out to well for me. Honestly I cannot remember the last real one that I was in, if I've ever been in one. So now I am just going to be single. Give up in a sense. But not quite. I'll do the guy thing. I'll mess around with people but not let myself get attached. It's what most people seem to be doing. And if they do seem to start getting attached or see that they might, guys will sever whatever they have with us and bolt. Okay, for the lucky few the guy is good and decent and sticks around. But that never is the case for me. So I think I'll try this, at least for a little while. If I see myself getting to attached to someone then I will let them go and move on to the next. I no longer give a shit if you think that's whore behavior because my life is not yours to make decisions in what I do. I could be so much worse than what I am. I could be selling myself on the streets of Aurora at midnight. I could be sleeping with guys five years older than me. I could be having sex at school. Despite what people like to assume about me, I haven't done that much. Sure I've slept with people. But in at least two years that won't matter anymore. By then so much of our class with have slept with someone that the fact that I'm not a virgin won't matter. We all end up having sex. It's a fact of life. Why does it matter to you that I started a bit earlier? It's not your vagina. It's mine. Hate to be so blunt with you but it's just how it is. And all of you have no problem telling me what you think about me little "habit." It's just sex. After your first time it doesn't mean as much anymore. Now that is not me telling you to give it up to just any guy. All I'm saying is that when you're a virgin, and you're a girl, sex is a big deal. It's very personal. But then you lose your virginity and it's like "Okay this is fun. I want to have fun with more people." It becomes easier to sleep with people than it was before you lost it. This is the way it is when you're an adult. Sure we're not adults yet, but most of us act like it. We smoke and we drink when we're not even old enough to do that. If you're going to tell me to not participate in an "adult activity" then I think that you should stop drinking and having a cigarette until you are old enough too. See it's different when the table gets flipped to face you doesn't it? So tell me not to do this, I dare you. Because for once I won't be listening. For once I'm going to do what I want to in my own life without anyones consent. For once I'm finally going to be me.

Forget Me, Not.

Okay so maybe we haven't graduated yet. But I really hope that you don't forget me. You are one of the most amazing people I have ever met. You seem to know me better than I could ever know myself. Even when I try and kid my own mind, you turn it around to let me know that I do know what your talking about and that I do know what I'm doing. I try and mask it with a smile or a quick laugh. But you keep a stern face on and let me know that I cannot fool you. Does it bug me? Yes. Can it hurt me sometimes? Yes. Would I want it any other way? No. I look forward to talking to you everyday that I can. You're the first name I look for when I get online. It's a little more than vaguely pathetic since I know you've never and will never feel how I feel towards you. The feeling has just been following me around for a little bit. But I can't forget it. Why? I have no fucking idea. Okay so I started writing this post a couple hours ago and was unaware of how to fill it. And now I know how to, by going against the topic of this posting. I need to forget you. I don't care if you forget me or not. All I know is I need to just let go of how I feel about you and get on with my life. Yeah, I mean I'll miss all the great advice and you making me laugh at the stupidest things. I will miss that, it cheers me up so much. But I think I can find someone who will replace you. No, I know WILL find someone who WILL replace you. At the moment I think it's the best thing for me to do. I can't get attached to anyone at all. It's the perfect way of setting myself up for getting hurt. I've done it in the past. And it's something I haven't let myself do since 8th grade. That was, until you came along. You've already caused me hurt and caused me pain, but not in the way people usually do. So I have to let you go. And I will keep saying that same phrase over and over again until it actually happens. Because this type of pain you've caused hurts more than it ever has with any other guy before. I trusted, and still do I guess, trust you 100% with anything. I gave you all of myself. Which might have been the problem. You gave me none of you. I suppose that is on my head though. I've never given someone that much of me. Then I did to someone who, to be honest, I barely knew. Maybe someday I'll be strong enough to go back and remember you. But for now, I'm as weak as I've always been. And you don't even care.