Underachievers

I really hate people who don't try. The kind of people that think they're better then homework. They care more about a social life then where they're going in life. I'm not saying don't have one, but there needs to be balance. And there's going to be those times when we have to say to ourselves "I really can't do anything tonight because I have this project I need to get done." It sucks I agree but it has to be done. I'm working tonight. I would so much rather go to the football game, but I can't. If I were to call up my boss and not go to work I could get fired. But unfortunately there are those people that just get by in life. The people that would rather go to the movies then finish the math homework. These people thrive in high school, but when it comes time for college they are fucked. They'll have shit for a G.P.A and no extracurriculars to put down because they would rather have hung out with people instead of doing something. And while everyone else is off at college they'll be stuck at home or trying to find a job that barely pays minimum wage and wishing they hadn't fucked around as much during school. So have a nice life (:

Mmm.

Not a lot to say tonight. Sure there's been plenty on my mind, but not really much I want to talk about. I still tell my friends some of what I've been thinking of. For me it's always been easier to talk about what I'm feeling then to just harbor it inside. Except that lately I've been pondering things that I'm not sharing even with my closest friends. The thoughts crowding my brain aren't exactly life changing or anything. It's just very out of the ordinary for me not to share things with Christine or Alan. Well, I most definitely do not tell them everything. But the small mundane things to problems I need help with I spill to them. It almost worries me that I'm not going to them about this stuff. I feel like I'm starting to close myself off from everyone, from everything, and that it's starting with them, two of the last people I would ever want to be out of my life. If I was closing myself off they would be the final ones to go, not the first. I don't even know. I'm just confused I guess. In all aspects. Life, love, school, friends, family, work. Nothing is really going right. Life is spinning out of control. Love is not a large part in my life (read non-exsistent), high school is overrated, friends are full of stupid drama, family has always been trouble and work does not pay me enough to stand on concrete covered carpet for six hours a day.

Run Away

It amazes me how so many people tell you that high school will be the best four years of your life. But ever since freshman year, all I've wanted to do is to get out of it. The meaningless cliques, the stupid drama (which i have indulged in from time to time), everyone wants everything but no one actually knows what they need. We're all dogs chasing our tails in high school. Stupid things like prom queen actually matter. No on actually gives a shit if you were the prettiest, most popular girl in school with the best clothes. What actually matters is your people skills. I'm not saying that looks don't matter, I mean you want to make a good impression. But they don't matter as much. Honestly the real world sounds so much better than high school. For one, in college we get to learn about what we actually want to learn about. Also who you were in high school doesn't matter anymore. People like you for you and nothing else (excluding sororities and fraternities who judge pretty much on appearance.) All I want to do is just get out of here. Shoreline is constricting. I love the spirit of Seattle but I rarely get to be downtown anymore unless I'm visiting my mom at work. I want to get out of here and be at Western or WASU or MCLA. Somewhere where no one knows me and no one judges me. I just want to run away.

Dreams

Dream (n): a succesion of images, emotions or thoughts passing through the mind during sleep. Well lately some pretty weird images, emotions and thoughts have been passing through my nights sleep. Maybe it's not as strange as diamonds in my hoo-hoo, but I still end up really confused when I wake up in the morning. I mean these are things I don't usually think of during the day, or at all for that matter, and here they are popping up in my head while I snooze. Aren't dreams supposed to have some secret meaning into what your subconscious is thinking or desires? If that's the case then my subconscious needs to catch up to the conscious part of my brain because I have no idea why in the hell I would think about the things I've been having dreams about. Well I have also heard that you can dream about the last thing you thought of before you went to sleep. That I can see being more plausible because on occasion I've just thought about different people from school or the bus or somewhere else. Not really sure why I do it. Maybe I'm just curious about what their lives are like, especially people on the bus. Anyways, but sometimes there are things I never think of before I go to sleep that pop in my head. Dreams are confusing in general. For one, even if you sleep for hours the dream still only seems to last for a couple minutes. And for two, why do they always end right when it's getting good? Which leads me to three, when you wake up in the middle of a fantastic dream, why is it when you fall back asleep that it never seems to come back? I guess we'll never know unless dreams decide to talk one day. But don't hold your breath.

Let Me Tell You About My Friend Katie Wachholz...

Oh Katie. Dearest Katie. My Katie Bug. I do not even know where I even begin with this amazing little girl. Well I pretty much love this girl. Actually I DO love her! I've known her for a couple years but we didn't really start talking until 9th grade health and even then barely ever. The next year in Integrated 2 math class we got pretty close. I told her about my acting adventures and we took a shitload of pictures via our laptop cameras. In fact I'm pretty sad slash shaken up that we can't take photographs on our computers this year. (If you know how to re-enable the cameras please let me know. Kthanks.) Anywho, this year me and Katie are in Algebra Dos together and I'm loving every second of it. Except for the fact she sits on the other side of the room from me. But I get to see her after class and we walk for several minutes together before splitting off. Now you are most likely wondering why in the world I am writing about my dear friend Katie. Well I will tell you. TODAY IS KATHERINE WACHHOLZ BIRTHDAAAAAAY :D Oh jeez. And she is now eligible for her license. But kiddos, do not fret your little heads over her on the road. She is an excellent driver as I have had personal experience with her skills on a last minute rendezvous to Burger King where I was outnumbered and the three others practically begged her to drive my moms car back to school. Here are a couple facts about my friend Katie; 1) She's gorgeous. 2) She's smart but needs my help in math, which I am happy to give! 3) She is hilarious even when not trying to be. 4) She's on flags. 5) because she's on flags she has to wear tiny little skirts. 6) In those tiny little skirts you will find she has fantastic legs. 7) She has such great legs because she runs a lot. 8) She hates being complimented and disagrees a lot. 9) She lives pretty damn close to Marlies Brooks. 10) She has the cutest little style. 11) She has fantastic boobies. 12) She's my fork friend. 13) Basically wants to live and breathe in Wisconsin. 14) She calls me Meghan Poop. 15) She will kill me for writing even two words of this entry so I should probably go. Okay byeee! P.S: I LOVE YOU KATIE BUG <3

I Need A Good Rant.

Sometimes I just feel like screaming. How is it that someone so vain can get anything she wants without even trying? I try so hard and usually end up failing. I’m no star athlete or honor student, far from it in fact. All I am is an average looking, acting and feeling person in a world where being beautiful matters above anything else. How bullshit is that? I mean, as you get older your looks are going to fade. That is pretty much guaranteed. Sure there is botox to help but that isn’t real. It’s just another part of you that’s going to be fake just like your fake friends, your fake personality and your fake boobs. Right now you are loving life because you’re young and so sure that you’re gorgeous. And while you are very pretty you are also very FAKE. The way you lather on your make-up to hide the flaws I put right out there in world. They way you have to be the center of attention all the time just to prove your self worth. They way that you have to have all the guys around us look at you just to boost your self-esteem. Well I’ll let you in on a little secret honey, self-esteem means nothing; anyone will think they color good if enough people tell them. Deep down, compliments like that are hollow. You have been compliment fishing your entire life. Nobody, including myself, has the guts to agree with you when you say shit like “oh my god I look like shit” when you’re really saying, “oh my god I haven’t heard I’m pretty yet today so TELL ME! TELL ME!” Yeah some people may disagree with me about the way you are. But the majority of people I’ve talked to agree whole-heartedly. So if you finally decide to step down off of your high horse then maybe one of these days I might actually be a true friend to you. And maybe you’ll actually be one in return.

Getting A Bit Personal Here

And isn't that the truth? I want to be worth more than just some cheap bottle of gin and a couple packs of cigarettes. I want to actually do something with my life. I want my kids to like me. I want to have a good relationship with everyone in my life that I can. I want to have enough money not to live off of food stamps. But it's hard when your wants compete with your genes. It's hard but I think I can do it. I've been thinking about my grandma a lot lately. I started talking to an old girlfriend of my dad's and it really brought up a rush of old memories that I've tried to put out of my head. I haven't even been able to respond to one of her messages because I just don't know how to yet. Tammy if you can read this then I promise I will respond in due time, it'll just take a little bit. Anyways, tomorrow I am making a much needed pilgrimage to West Seattle. Or more specifically, my old neighborhood. I've tried it before but I couldn't even make it past the library which is five blocks from my old house. I just got right back on the bus and went home. But tomorrow I am FOR SURE going to that house. No idea what I'm going to do when I get there though. Will I laugh like I usually do in stressful or sad situations (I crack up at funerals.) Will I cry? Or will I just stand there like an idiot? Maybe I'll even just walk on past and not even bear to look at the house. Will I see my grandma, whose house is right next door. Does she still even live there? Do my old friends still live across the street? Is the park still there? Do I go and say hi to the now owners of my house? Do they know the connection between me and them? Do Mace and Stacey, my dad's old best friend and cousin, still live two houses down? The truth is there are so many questions floating around in my head about what I'll do. And for those of you that are wondering why the hell this is such a big deal to me, here's the answer: My dad and I have a history with his mom. And not a good one if you can tell. I don't feel like telling the whole story but the short version is this; he's been so messed up by her that the few times he does mention her, he calls the respondent because that is what she was called in the restraining order. Fuck okay well I gotta get some sleep, so night!