A Liar And A Cheat

Why do guys feel the need to cheat? If you're feeling feelings that strong towards another person that isn't your "significant other," then you should end it with them. Sure, they'll feel hurt. But girls feel even more hurt if they find out you've been cheating. That sometimes backfires though. Often you guys will lie as to why your breaking up with them. When you do that it just pisses us off even more. Yeah so, it's a short piece today. Not in a great mood right now so I might expand on it later. Kbye.

Rest In Peace Grandma /:

Okay so you may think I'm being retarded. Oh wait! You already do, I know this because someone left a nasty truthbox comment saying I should get over it because it's not like I lost a parent. Well I guess I'll go find your grandmother and giver her a heart attack. Let's see how you feel about it then. Dick. And yeah, I guess it would have been worse to lose a parent. And I'm happy both of mine are still around. But grandma was one of the most special people I ever knew. And she had her eccentric moments, but who doesn't? She bought me my first camera and got me interested in the arts of poetry and photography. Two things I absolutely adore to do. At family events she always had her camera out, taking pictures of everyone and everything. No one liked when she did that. But they would always have a grin on their face when they asked her to stop taking pictures. She was one of the friendliest people I knew. If I went up to Fred Meyer with her I could always count on every worker from Cosmetics to the Deli to know her name. Whenever I would walk down to get her mail, seemingly countless neighbors would shout out for me to say hi or to thank her for something they did for them. I loved spending weekends up there, although I would never admit it. Being away from everything gave me time to think. We would always have oatmeal and eggos for breakfast. Every night was spaghetti or mashed potatoes in front of the t.v with a good movie. Then stay up until one in the morning watching M*A*S*H. Afternoons were spent at the dining room table while my Bumpa, grandpa, taught me how to play solitaire and poker. It was peaceful, maybe even boring, existence. But I loved it. It's how it was. I knew how happy they were to have me up there. Even if it was only once a year that I would stay a weekend. But I always tried to go once a season. She was one of the most generous people I knew. Loved family holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas because it brought us all together as a family. And although she hated Mother's Day, why I do not know, she put up with it because she knew that would drive up and see her one more day out of the year. Family was her whole life. And that, my friends, is why I am especially crushed by her sudden passing. The emptiness she's left on this planet, however small it is to others, will be felt by me for a long time. So don't be a doosche. Appreciate who and what you have. Because in an instant, they could be gone.

Remember That? I Do. And Want To Return.

If you have Myspace then you've probably seen those "You Know You're A 90's Kid..." bulletins that seem to pop up almost randomly at times.  The things that include: You've ever ended a sentence with the word "SIKE!", You just cant resist finishing this... "Iiiin west Philadelphia born and raised...", You remember TGIF on ABC. Step by Step, Family Matters, Dinosaurs, and Boy Meets World, You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school, You remember reading "Goosebumps," You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school. Personally I remember, and did all of those things. Being  kid was so much fun. You got to run through the sprinkler, have your parents make you PB&J everyday after school, and just be free. Nowadays summer jobs keep us away from the sprinklers, we have to make our own food and we seem to be chained to homework for several hours a day. But that's not the only thing we left behind. It was the innocence and the pigtails and the constant laughter. Boys still had cooties so we never suffered a single heartbreak. The highest we ever got was swinging at the playground. We only sucked lollipops. But now? Our lives are spiraled in directions we could never have imagined. Little kids I play with or babysit always tell me how they want to be a big teenager and have cool teenage lives. It's so hard for me to just sit there are smile gently at them. They're so full of hope and love. I sit up and night and think about how I wish I could just go back to it all. Back to when my heart was full and bursting. Back to when I cared about nothing except getting a barbie for Christmas. Back when I got shy just holding a guys hand. And back to when I only cried because I fell off my bike...

Screw Seniors, Sophmores Need A Break Too!

Who says school flu has to be limited to seniors? They're only two years older than us, why should they get any special treatment?! Although we will expect it when we are seniors ourselves (: Now back to the point! It is early May and we over worked. Some of us drowning in essays from English class. Others are about to snap at their biology teachers, namely me. But when have I ever not wanted to kill him? Anywho! I just looked at the calender and we get like one or two more days off of school FOR THE NEXT TWO MONTHS! Can any of us handle that? I don't think so. It's starting to get sunny and the girls are pulling out those booty shorts again. This means an equal distraction to the guys as well. No one wants to be stuck inside on a beautiful day learning about quadratic equations or the process of evolution. And tell me, who honestly wants to hear Mr. Stearns say we can't go outside on yet another pretty Monday because he has a stick up his ass? I would honestly focus so much better if I could read on the grass of the field. Think about it. Either we ask the school for more off days or just do classes outside! With all the time spent off in the winter, you'd think the administration would have some sort of heart to let us have more fun in the sun! Especially given that our summer is just barely two months long. I know kids that are getting out on May 15th. So many students at Shorewood are just begging for a sun day (Get it? sunny day=sun day, similar to snow day. Whatever. I'm lame.) But yes, we need more days off. Or some type of cure to the sophmore version of senioritis. Need to think up a name for it... Soon it's gonna be June and the shorts are gonna get shorter while the binders get thicker. It's just not fair. And then they expect us to focus on finals?! Whatta bunch whatta bunch...

What If?

I think this basically speaks for itself. I don't know why, but last night I was laying awake and staring at the ceiling when all of sudden that night came rushing back into my head. And like I do with all things I sat there and dissected it far more than probably was necessary. Also like everything these days it's hard to explain exactly why I put all that thought into it. I do agree with you. I don't feel as much of a connection as there was before. I'm moving on to the next thing and am more than happy to be just friends. But I have a tendency to think 'what if' with just about everything. So what would have happened if I had kissed you? Would we be together? Would we have realized we were actually better off friends? I mean what? And before you get on your high horse and judge me, I know that everyone thinks 'what if' about something in their life. Even if it's the smallest thing like 'what if I had gotten to the coffee shop one second later, would I still have spilled my mocha all over me?' So many people like to act all high and mighty and be like 'I live with no regrets! Take that bitches.' I just don't understand it. I have made so many mistakes, so many regrets. And yes, all of those have turned me into the person I am today. Maybe I wouldn't have learned as much in life if I hadn't made those mistakes. Who the hell knows? But I still regret my actions in one way or another. So when people say that it just frusturates me. No one likes living with the regret of not saying something or acting in a different way than they should have. So what makes you all special to say I live with no regrets? I honestly want to know so maybe one day I can be the kid walking down the street saying that I've lived my life to it's fullest potential and mistakes crammed in every now and again but I have no regrets. So tell me please! Actually, maybe you're just bumping along to a Bobby McFerrin song, one of my faves, 'Don't Worry Be Happy.' If so then I guess I can't blame you. It does have a very catchy and chill beat about it. If you're wondering why I brought it up it's because it just started playing on my iTunes.

Trying To Explain

I do. I have so many things I would adore being able to tell you. But it's so hard. I mean even just last nights conversation was a struggle for me. You are one of the most amazing kids that I know. And I know you're reading this and going "Wow this girl is pathetic." Which I am. Haha. Liking a guy who just wants to be friends? I mean really, how much more dumb can you get? Not much I reckon. I tried hard to tell you what I wanted to before. But I couldn't get it all out in the open. And I still can't. As hard as I try, I just don't know how to say it to you. I mean, trust me, I am fine with being just friends. I still want you in my life even if it's just buddy buddy. But this entry is not just about you. It's about the all the people I can't say things too. So this entry is going to be like one of those Facebook/Myspace things where you list different things you want to say to people. And in this one I will not be telling people what I enjoy about them. Let's get started shall we? 1) First off, you are total and complete bitch. You yell at me for what I do when you're off doing the exact same thing. Except yours is worse because you never own up to your reputation. At least I can admit the mistakes I've made in the past have made me into what I am today. What you do is just about the same thing that I do just your actual actions are more innocent than mine, well not all of them. Own up to what you do. Slutt. 2) You can be one of the most two-faced people I have ever met. You'll talk shit about me behind my back then walk right over to me and start talking shit to me about the person you just just shit talked me too. MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND! No one else may see it, but I do. And all that bullshit really needs to come to an end. Well that's it. Sorry if you were expecting to see a lot of people up here, but there were only two people I needed to bitch at without actually bitching at. And well, since I know they both read this, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off of my chest. I guess I've just become so accustomed to you guys pointing out my imperfections and mistakes straight to my face that I just had to do it back to you. You seem to have no idea how it all affects me. YES! I have made mistakes. I own up to them every chance I can get. But I don't like them being pointed out over and over again. My chest tightens up and honestly I feel like I want to cry because I could be doing way worse things than what I have done. No one is perfect okay? I know you two like to think you are. But you're not. People make mistakes. They have these things called flaws. And so do you. I KNOW! How fucking shocking to even think that you could possibly be cursed with such a thing. Well there's the truth about what I think. Your names weren't posted because I thought I'd respect you, not that you would recognize respect if it hit you in the face. If you're interested that it could be you, just message me. I'll be only to happy to inform you if it is or not.

Mistakes

"One day all the mistakes you've ever made will come back to haunt you." -Dad. For the most part I think this can be true. A majority of the things I have done in the past already have or are beginning to have consequences. It's my fault. I have no problem whatsoever owning up to that. But now I'm starting to regret most of the decisions that I've made. They've put me into a place that I don't like to be in. With every new guy that I meet I always have to wonder if he actually likes me for me or if he's just looking for some action. As of late it's more often than not been the second one. Anyone who knows what I've done during school in 6th minus 2nd period, knows exactly what I'm talking about. And I can't even begin to tell you how much that hurts. All I want is a guy who likes and respects me for who I am. Sure there will be physical benefits, I mea all relationships have them. I'm not talking about sex on the second date or whatever but slowly accumulating over time. Is that really too much to ask for? I mean yeah, teenage guys think with their dick and not their brain but why would someone want to be a cliche? Guys, unless the girl is a slut she isn't looking for a dick, she wants a man. To quote a line from my favorite movie, Say Anything; 'The world is full of guys. Be a man." I think that sums it up better than I ever could. Have a great day :D

Never Enough...

Poor, inferior, unsatisfactory, inadequate, unacceptable, not up to snuff, deficient, imperfect. All these words add up to one thing; not good enough. And it's how I feel on a daily basis. I work and work but I still can't even make it up to average. My G.P.A isn't high. I try and try but I still only manage to scrape by on high B's or low A's, save for Biology in which I have an F and math in which I have an A. I'm athletic and I try hard. But I didn't suck up so I wasn't a part of the varsity or districts team. My hair is never un-frizzy and is always sticking out in one direction or the other. Sometimes I forget to put lotion on my arms or even shave one my legs. So far I have not come across anything in life in which I can be better than just enough to get by. I suck at relationships too. I'm not even good enough to hold onto a boyfriend for more than one or two months. There is the problem with my reputation, but I've been trying to fix that. I don't want the one thing I'm good at being that I'm the village bicycle, where everyone has had a ride. I got fired from my job because I wasn't "authentic "enough to work there. I cleared dishes at a Mexican restaurant. That might be racist but I'm not exactly sure. I can't draw to save my life and only stick to random doodles on the side of paper during Biology. I'm an adequate writer. I have no luscious or rich vocabulary that fills the far corners of my brain. Nothing I do seems to be good enough for anyone. Just once in my life I want to be able to do something that is above the par of society. Just once I want tp be good enough. BTW: that's my secret up there :D

The Neighbor, Five Houses To The Left...

Oh my lord. Christian Elizabeth Mason! How I love your golden curls of sexxx :D You are one of the most amazing chicas I have ever met. There are so many things that remind me of you. So many in fact, that I cannot go a day without seeing something that reminds me of you. Haha. It goes all the way from 7-11 hot chocolate to creepers in subway. Our mutual hatred of Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana/Gehrke. I hope you like the picture I associate with you btw... And as I am typing this I am looking directly at our lovely Bethany G. Love her so much! Haha. God there are just so many little things that add up to our friendship! Uffie, Spiro, stealing food, undrinken milk, butt sex, Selena Gomez, inner-city kids, bowing, hott apple guys, fourth period, slut nicknames, lettuce wraps, slugbug game; just to name a couple... :D But yes, you are one of the most jaw-dropping and stupendous guuuurl ever. While I hate to hear it, I know that I can count on you to tell me what's what. You one of the only people I know that will tell me exactly how you feel about me. And I admire you for that. I can trust you with just about anything and know if I tell you not to tell, then that secret is kept under lock and key. If I'm having a crappy day, all I have to do is look at your 100 megawatt smile and the beautiful untamed mane atop your head, and I feel so much better. Ahwww (: Yes. Yes. I thoroughly hope you enjoy this entry and hope you know that there is so much more I can say about you then that is up here. And remember, I may be a hoe, but I am your hoe!

Eventually One Half Will Become Your Whole.

Today was the day I finally realized something. For the past couple months one part of me wanted one person while the other wanted someone else entirely. Today I realized that one half of me had stopped wanting someone. Now I want one single someone with all of me. Wow that made no sense. But ah. I just don't know what to do with how I feel. I like him. This would be a given. In fact it's probably pretty obvious. But I don't know how he feels. Ah. I know. I could have way worse problems than this. And I do. I just happen to shove all of those to the back of mind. I like focusing on my small problems because then it seems like all my bigger ones, aren't there anymore. Just for once I want my love life to go exactly the way I want it to go. Basically, I suck at relationships. I'm either too attached or we act more like friends. I can't seem to be able to find a middle ground. Not to mention I've made mistakes in my past, and I'll probably make those same ones in my future, so that kind of gave me a reputation I'd rather not have. With that in mind, it makes it harder to figure out what someones real intentions with me are. I'm not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me. I made the decisions that got me into that position in the first place. Hmm. Where was I? Oh yeah, I want to tell you. Maybe if you read this you'll figure it out. I don't know. Read between the lines or something cool like that. Who knows if you'll even read it? Oh my god. My brain's on freaking overdrive right now. I'm actually getting a headache. Happy Easter everyone (:

Math Class!

Ahw Katie Bug. This one's for you, haha. First off I just want to ask you one thing; do you know how long it took me to find that freaking PostSecret that even remotely related to math? A freakishly long time. But you wanted me to do it, so I did. That my friend is how much I adore you. Secondly you are what makes my 'B' days a little more bearable. I mean I have Gehrke fourth period, but you're just a little more fun to be around. I enjoy our little text messaging conversations. Especially today's. Heh heh. I still have those pictures. That wasn't intended to sound dirty at all btw... Anyways you amuse me to no end. It really helps out because, while I adore math, it's one of my most boring classes. Mostly because of the teacher and everyone with Marapao will back me up on it. Haha. Anyways, I'm gonna wrap this upp. Love you KatieBug :D

Buses

Hahahaha. This just fit me so nicely. I have to ride the bus three to six times a week. I enjoy the ride. I truly do. You can meet some of the most unique people there. I even met my BFFL alan on it. Haha. Love that kid. Anyways I just thought I'd make this short and sweet today (:

The Truth

For those of you that don't know, which is probably most of you, I used to cut myself. And not my wrists. Although I did do that once but that scar has been long gone thanks to some ointments and such. Anyways, I wanted to be different so I cut myself in other places. Places where people couldn't see the damage I was doing to myself. I'm not going to say where because that would just destroy the fun of it. The reason I chose to bring this up is because, like every Sunday, I woke up and looked at PostSecret and saw this particular one. Now every Sunday I can always find at least one secret that I am able to relate to. But this one just had me floored. Because I've sent my secrets in before. One of them has even been published on the site, want to know which one? Just ask me and I'll show it to you. Anyways, I sent my most recent secret in on Thursday and this certain one is held very close to me. No one knows I actually feel like it. Sure I talk about it with my friends, but to me it's not a joke like it is to them. To me it's how I actually feel. Well when I sent that aforementioned secret in, I felt a rush or release of emotion and adrenaline. Just like I did when I cut myself. You might be wondering why I felt the need to cut myself. If you're not then you're going to find out anyway. It was around March of 2006 (7th grade for the kiddos in my grade,) me and the first guy I had given a shit about had just broke up and my entire group of friends had turned on me because of some shit this chick Lindsey had said. Basically I had to start all over. Now this was familiar territory for me since I had been the new girl that year. But that was the problem. I had only been in Shoreline for a grand total of six months. I didn't talk to a lot of people outside of my group of kids. If you knew me back then you know how shy I was. I was starting all over. It was just like it was September again. But that wasn't all of it. Now a lot of families are fucked up beyond repair. Mine would be one of them. I'm not going to get into detail but basically the past August we had to get a restraining order against my grandmother and stop talking to the whole of my dad's side of the family. So it was all of my family drama combined with the fact that I basically had no more friends to talk to. Soooo yeah. That basically wraps up this post.

Good Morning Heartbreak, You're Like An Old Friend. Come To Greet Me Yet Again...

Yes it's true. Every time I hear you voice, something in the vicinity of my chest begins to ache. It won't stop until you've left the room and people have stopped laughing at your jokes that really aren't all that funny. I see you in the hallway at school all the time. I stick that fake smile on and give you a small wave. You have no idea how hard it is for me to even muster up the strength to do just that. But I will still go out of my way to "run into you" during school. And yet I can't gather up enough courage to ask you if you want to hang out. Why can't I do this? I'm over you. I really am. When I'm with my friends I say it over and over again. Because it's the truth. But then someone actually says your name or I see you on the field and all these old feelings come rushing back into me. I can't even begin to explain why I like you. At this moment in time I don't know why I do. Sometimes I wish someone could explain to me why the mention of you drives me crazy. But I fear if they do that then I'll realize, all over again, the reasons I can't have you. And there is nothing I hate more than being reminded of why I can't have the things I want in life. I want to go to a different school. Shoreline is my home but Seattle is my life. I have my best friends there. I enjoy the enjoy the lifestyle and scenery of downtown. The people are crazy in a way that makes me laugh all the time. It's such a different atmosphere then Echo Lake or Richmond Beach. I'd rather spend my time in Lake City or Seattle Center than anywhere else in the vicinity. There you can be anyone you want to be. In Shoreline I feel like we all have to be, or be friends with, someone who has a fancy house in Richmond Beach with a view of the water. While that is a nice lifestyle, it's not realistic. Seattle allows the rich to rub elbows with the homeless and smile about it. Seattle is and always will be my home. I want, no need, to get out of Shoreine. It suffocates me to the point where I feel that I can no longer breathe. A new school, a new group of people, a new life will give me the air back. The air I so desperatley need.

Hello All

Hello there! I figured since some of my last posts weren't large on details or were just some dumb poems, I'd actually write about how I feel. Whoo! Fun times. Haha. In fact I think I might start doing this more frequently now. Anyways, today hasn't been a good day so far. I've been in a weird funk that I can't exactly explain. When I took a shower, somehow I had forgotten to wash my hair. Who the hell does that? And then I went and cleaned my room instead of surfing Myspace or Facebook. Believe me, you'd need a bulldozer to clean my room. And for those of you who know me I'm not exactly the most motivated person. Read: lazy. Not to mention I've been thinking of the most random person lately. And it's probably not who think it is. Read: not Anthony. It's someone I haven't thought about in a long time. And for me a long time is, in this case, three weeks. But my mom said the word tropical and suddenly I couldn't remove him from my brain. No idea why but it is what is. Oh and the picture relates to him. So! If he's reading this then he should know who I'm talking about right now. But blah blah blah. I know it's not going to happen. So I should just let it go. Right? Wrong. I hate how people tell you to let it go like it's just that simple. It's not that simple. If it was then no one would ever have a messy love life. All someone would have to do is tell themselves to not like the guy that always hurts them and fall for their best friend that has always been there and loves them to death. But that doesn't happen, so I would appreciate it if people stopped telling me to let him go. I would if I could assholes. Asdfghjkl; Gahh. Sorry. I just don't know right now. In fact this whole entry makes absolutely no sense, even to myself. My feelings are so mixed up inside of me. I don't know what to do anymore. I throw myself into situations I shouldn't. For the moment it makes me feel better to get lost in a moment I know will help me for whatever length it lasts. But then I go back to class and I feel emptier then before. I try to talk to people about it, but all they seem to do is scold me for doing it in the first place. Which is the right thing to do. What I'm doing is unexcusable. Except all I want is a little support every now again. The reason I do it because I'm lonely or horny or something! Whatever. I don't even know. I want to know that my actions can be forgiven no matter how many times I've done it or where it happened. When I see the reaction on people's faces when they hear what I've done it just kills me. It's wrong. AHHH! I'm getting myself confused again. Once again my mind is running in circles. I'm like a dog chasing its tail. I'll never catch it, but I enjoy the chase. What the fuck am I even saying right now? Shitt. I'm off to be dude. Maybe then I can actually get some answers. Peace.

Haven't Posted In Awhile...

This is a poem I wrote about a month ago. It's not that good, but I like it because it explains a lot. Not to others but to myself. Hard to explain how but it just does. It's called 'I want but i'm afraid.'

I want to give you my whole heart

But i'm afraid you'll break it again

I want to fall in love with you

But i'm afraid you won't fall for me

I want to tell you everything on my mind

But i'm afraid you'll judge who I am

I want to ask you questions

But i'm afraid you won't answer honestly

I want to know what makes your world go 'round

But i'm afraid I won't be the one to make it spin

I am scared of it all; of you

Shit On A Stick

I've been having a lot of thoughts I really shouldn't be having. I don't know why though. I've been thinking about bad things. That sounds so retarded. But it's true. I have a good life. So why do I keep wondering how? Is it because of the book I've read? Is it because I actually want to? I don't know. I really don't know. I can't talk to anyone about it because all they'd ask is why. They wouldn't want to help or anything. They'd just want to know and I wouldn't be able to tell them because I don't even know. This particular entry is very repetitive. But it's what's going on inside of my head. Asdfghjkl;

La la la.

Haven't done one in awhile. Here it goessssss.

ace ace, in your face. haters better know their place. party hearty, rock&roll, drink bicardi, lose control. life is great, sex is fun.  WE'RE THE CLASS OF DOUBLE ONE!

i have to say the sophmore class is gay as shit. we like drama, swear too much(myself included), and just assholes in general. in some cliques the do-si-do with relationships and such. but other then that, i absolutely love our class. except that we've got third place in spirit competitions the past two years. which is retarded. anyways, i didn't know what to write about so i used the chant me and jen made up awhile ago to base it off of.

Attention Readers

I'm on strict restriction for 8 weeks. I'll be doing a one or at most three posts a week. Mostly poetry I've worked on the past weekend. But just in case you miss me, KATIE *cough*, just thought I'd warn you. Yes yes.

More Poetry For Pondering

Well, I'll say it. I adore writing poetry. And I guess I'm okay at it. Well, i'm gonna try and submit it for money to contests and stuff. So you're feedback is super important here. I kind of write about heavier topics. Most people like to write about love and happiness. Fuck that shit. The first poem, the worst written of the two, is kind of about abuse. It's mentioned subtly, if you pay attention then you can see where I mention it. The second is loosely based off a book I'm currently reading for english called '13 Reasons Why.' In my opinion, a very good book. Sad but brilliant. I did write a third one, but that will come later as it is total shit.

Number One

Her hands tremble

As the door slowly opens

She creeps toward the phone

Careful to walk over

The loose step on the stairs

All she can hear

Is her own breathing

Thick and heavy in the

Still quiet of the house

She grips the phone

And dials slowly

A trickle of blood from

Her forehead drips down

Onto her shaky hand

Behind her, the closet opens

But she doesn't notice

The floorboards creak

But she doesn't notice

A hand swipes over her mouth

Red and blue lights flash outside

Then blackness

Number Two

She walks down the hall

Her head kept low

Looking up for a brief moment

Her eyes lock into his

She tries to push her hair back,

It instead falls in front of her face

He smiles her way

But she doesn't see him

She's pushing through the crowd

Trying to get away from him

From the only reason that

Could keep her alive

But her mind is made up

Nothing can change that

He turns and watches her

Fight through a sea of bodies

In his mind it's also decided

He'll ask her tomorrow

Doesn't he know it'll be too late...