I don't know how many of you have thought about suicide. But I saw this secret on the site and saved it because it reminded me so much of what I did. Life is all peachy keen for me right now and I've never had like a super dee duper legit reason to want to off myself. But about a year ago I read this book called 13 Reasons Why. Ahh so some of you know it. I don't blame you, it's a very good book. For those of you that don't know it here is a summary: "Basically it's about a girl, Hannah Baker, who kills herself and leaves seven cassette tapes about why she did. There are thirteen reasons in all, one on each tape except for the last one which only has one. The story follows Clay, story number irrelevant, the guy who was in love with Hannah for three years. We soon learn the consequences of what may seem to be the smallest of things and how they can snowball into something we would all be affected by." Okay so I got some of that off of Amazon.com but really, I suck at summaries. Anyways when I started reading this book I became really affected by it. Sometimes I would sit and think about the best way to go. A month after I read I even tied a belt around my bunk bed but then quickly took it down. Now fast forward to February of this year, Mr.Stearns English class. We started book circle groups. Mine happened to choose 13 Reasons Why. When I read it again it stirred up a lot of old feelings. But this time I took my plan a little but further. I had a joural that I used for all sorts of important stuff; writing down poems, blog entry ideas, how to kill Jill/Mr.Witt. I took all of the papers out of it and shoved them somewhere deep down inside my closet and began to write. First I wrote a quick 'I'm Sorry' to my mom and dad. On the next page I listed down thirteen names. They were in no specific order at the beginning, just who popped into my brain first. I then spent a lot of time erasing, taking people off and putting them back on over and over again until I had a solid list. By this time it was about two o'clock on a March Saturday morning. How I remember that I have no idea but I just do. I drafted my first letter taking a lot of time to construct exactly what I was going to say. I then started spending a lot of time with that notebook. In the next seven days I had piles of missing homework and thirteen perfect goodbye letters. Now my plan was a little different, I wasn't going to send out one set of tapes and let it trickle down through each person. I had written one private letter to everyone on my list and now all I need were the addresses. Most I knew because I had either been to their houses or lived close to them. But some of the names I wasn't sure of. And let's face it, there is no discreet way of asking the EXACT location of someones house. After about a week I let go of the final two people and simply just added at the bottom of two other letters to please deliver their letters to them. I was so close to doing this dreadful deed that I actually went out to the store and bought some pills. Normally these pills are okay if taken one or two at a time but I planned on taking many. I had it all planned out too. What day, what house, what time, where to leave the letters so that would be found easily. As always I had my phone next to me, this time it was different because I had a bottle of pills next to me. I was home alone and now was as good time as ever to do it. Here's where it gets a bit like an over-clichéd teen movie scene. My phone vibrated and I looked down to see that I had one new text message. I flipped open my phone to find it was from a bestie. She was saying she had a great time with me and couldn't wait to see me at school. Do you remember who you are? Because you saved my life. Thank you. Now, the thirteen people that I wrote to: Tarsi Mouat, Christian Mason, Jenny Smith, Lisa Echert, Alan Pederson, Christine Day, Kathleen Kerrigan, Kai Kau, Katie Wachholz, Anna Lazar, Michelle Spoelhof, Sean B.H and Anahi Vicencio. And if you're interested, I still have the letters. So if you want to see them, which you probably don't, but if you do just tell me. When I think back on this I seriously think that this kind of out wasn't the answer. People should strongly consider what they're about to give up if they think that suicide is the right way to solve a problem.
5.26.2009
Not Just A Fleeting Thought
I don't know how many of you have thought about suicide. But I saw this secret on the site and saved it because it reminded me so much of what I did. Life is all peachy keen for me right now and I've never had like a super dee duper legit reason to want to off myself. But about a year ago I read this book called 13 Reasons Why. Ahh so some of you know it. I don't blame you, it's a very good book. For those of you that don't know it here is a summary: "Basically it's about a girl, Hannah Baker, who kills herself and leaves seven cassette tapes about why she did. There are thirteen reasons in all, one on each tape except for the last one which only has one. The story follows Clay, story number irrelevant, the guy who was in love with Hannah for three years. We soon learn the consequences of what may seem to be the smallest of things and how they can snowball into something we would all be affected by." Okay so I got some of that off of Amazon.com but really, I suck at summaries. Anyways when I started reading this book I became really affected by it. Sometimes I would sit and think about the best way to go. A month after I read I even tied a belt around my bunk bed but then quickly took it down. Now fast forward to February of this year, Mr.Stearns English class. We started book circle groups. Mine happened to choose 13 Reasons Why. When I read it again it stirred up a lot of old feelings. But this time I took my plan a little but further. I had a joural that I used for all sorts of important stuff; writing down poems, blog entry ideas, how to kill Jill/Mr.Witt. I took all of the papers out of it and shoved them somewhere deep down inside my closet and began to write. First I wrote a quick 'I'm Sorry' to my mom and dad. On the next page I listed down thirteen names. They were in no specific order at the beginning, just who popped into my brain first. I then spent a lot of time erasing, taking people off and putting them back on over and over again until I had a solid list. By this time it was about two o'clock on a March Saturday morning. How I remember that I have no idea but I just do. I drafted my first letter taking a lot of time to construct exactly what I was going to say. I then started spending a lot of time with that notebook. In the next seven days I had piles of missing homework and thirteen perfect goodbye letters. Now my plan was a little different, I wasn't going to send out one set of tapes and let it trickle down through each person. I had written one private letter to everyone on my list and now all I need were the addresses. Most I knew because I had either been to their houses or lived close to them. But some of the names I wasn't sure of. And let's face it, there is no discreet way of asking the EXACT location of someones house. After about a week I let go of the final two people and simply just added at the bottom of two other letters to please deliver their letters to them. I was so close to doing this dreadful deed that I actually went out to the store and bought some pills. Normally these pills are okay if taken one or two at a time but I planned on taking many. I had it all planned out too. What day, what house, what time, where to leave the letters so that would be found easily. As always I had my phone next to me, this time it was different because I had a bottle of pills next to me. I was home alone and now was as good time as ever to do it. Here's where it gets a bit like an over-clichéd teen movie scene. My phone vibrated and I looked down to see that I had one new text message. I flipped open my phone to find it was from a bestie. She was saying she had a great time with me and couldn't wait to see me at school. Do you remember who you are? Because you saved my life. Thank you. Now, the thirteen people that I wrote to: Tarsi Mouat, Christian Mason, Jenny Smith, Lisa Echert, Alan Pederson, Christine Day, Kathleen Kerrigan, Kai Kau, Katie Wachholz, Anna Lazar, Michelle Spoelhof, Sean B.H and Anahi Vicencio. And if you're interested, I still have the letters. So if you want to see them, which you probably don't, but if you do just tell me. When I think back on this I seriously think that this kind of out wasn't the answer. People should strongly consider what they're about to give up if they think that suicide is the right way to solve a problem.
