The Truth

For those of you that don't know, which is probably most of you, I used to cut myself. And not my wrists. Although I did do that once but that scar has been long gone thanks to some ointments and such. Anyways, I wanted to be different so I cut myself in other places. Places where people couldn't see the damage I was doing to myself. I'm not going to say where because that would just destroy the fun of it. The reason I chose to bring this up is because, like every Sunday, I woke up and looked at PostSecret and saw this particular one. Now every Sunday I can always find at least one secret that I am able to relate to. But this one just had me floored. Because I've sent my secrets in before. One of them has even been published on the site, want to know which one? Just ask me and I'll show it to you. Anyways, I sent my most recent secret in on Thursday and this certain one is held very close to me. No one knows I actually feel like it. Sure I talk about it with my friends, but to me it's not a joke like it is to them. To me it's how I actually feel. Well when I sent that aforementioned secret in, I felt a rush or release of emotion and adrenaline. Just like I did when I cut myself. You might be wondering why I felt the need to cut myself. If you're not then you're going to find out anyway. It was around March of 2006 (7th grade for the kiddos in my grade,) me and the first guy I had given a shit about had just broke up and my entire group of friends had turned on me because of some shit this chick Lindsey had said. Basically I had to start all over. Now this was familiar territory for me since I had been the new girl that year. But that was the problem. I had only been in Shoreline for a grand total of six months. I didn't talk to a lot of people outside of my group of kids. If you knew me back then you know how shy I was. I was starting all over. It was just like it was September again. But that wasn't all of it. Now a lot of families are fucked up beyond repair. Mine would be one of them. I'm not going to get into detail but basically the past August we had to get a restraining order against my grandmother and stop talking to the whole of my dad's side of the family. So it was all of my family drama combined with the fact that I basically had no more friends to talk to. Soooo yeah. That basically wraps up this post.

Good Morning Heartbreak, You're Like An Old Friend. Come To Greet Me Yet Again...

Yes it's true. Every time I hear you voice, something in the vicinity of my chest begins to ache. It won't stop until you've left the room and people have stopped laughing at your jokes that really aren't all that funny. I see you in the hallway at school all the time. I stick that fake smile on and give you a small wave. You have no idea how hard it is for me to even muster up the strength to do just that. But I will still go out of my way to "run into you" during school. And yet I can't gather up enough courage to ask you if you want to hang out. Why can't I do this? I'm over you. I really am. When I'm with my friends I say it over and over again. Because it's the truth. But then someone actually says your name or I see you on the field and all these old feelings come rushing back into me. I can't even begin to explain why I like you. At this moment in time I don't know why I do. Sometimes I wish someone could explain to me why the mention of you drives me crazy. But I fear if they do that then I'll realize, all over again, the reasons I can't have you. And there is nothing I hate more than being reminded of why I can't have the things I want in life. I want to go to a different school. Shoreline is my home but Seattle is my life. I have my best friends there. I enjoy the enjoy the lifestyle and scenery of downtown. The people are crazy in a way that makes me laugh all the time. It's such a different atmosphere then Echo Lake or Richmond Beach. I'd rather spend my time in Lake City or Seattle Center than anywhere else in the vicinity. There you can be anyone you want to be. In Shoreline I feel like we all have to be, or be friends with, someone who has a fancy house in Richmond Beach with a view of the water. While that is a nice lifestyle, it's not realistic. Seattle allows the rich to rub elbows with the homeless and smile about it. Seattle is and always will be my home. I want, no need, to get out of Shoreine. It suffocates me to the point where I feel that I can no longer breathe. A new school, a new group of people, a new life will give me the air back. The air I so desperatley need.

I Have A Question

Do you guys think that you're able to miss someone you talk to frequently, but know almost nothing about? That even if you feel like you don't like them, hearing about them kiss someone else still makes you hurt inside? And even though you know you should forget about them, you want to keep going after them because you think you could have a chance anyways? I think so. And I do. To all of those questions. Who is this guy? Well no one will know but me. For once I'm going to keep who I like a secret. If he figures out who he is and feels the same way, more power to him. Go on and ask me out, because I will say yes. But the chances of him doing either are very slim to none. So I'll move on and talk to him day to day. Act like everything's normal and I'm fine being just friends. Because I am. Just not 100% is all. In a way I hope you read this and know it's you. But in another way I don't want you to know. That way if you don't return the feelings I don't feel as pathetic inside. Even though I have no way of knowing if you read this or not. I guess I just wrote this all down for no reason. Or a slightly unconcious reason I haven't become aware of yet. I don't know. But I think I'll start doing this everyday again. It's just before I was in a large emotional funk. I talked through it with my best friend Jenny and I feel like 1000x better then I did before. Just writing all of this down and putting it out there makes me feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my chest.