Let Me Tell You About My Friend Katie Wachholz...

Oh Katie. Dearest Katie. My Katie Bug. I do not even know where I even begin with this amazing little girl. Well I pretty much love this girl. Actually I DO love her! I've known her for a couple years but we didn't really start talking until 9th grade health and even then barely ever. The next year in Integrated 2 math class we got pretty close. I told her about my acting adventures and we took a shitload of pictures via our laptop cameras. In fact I'm pretty sad slash shaken up that we can't take photographs on our computers this year. (If you know how to re-enable the cameras please let me know. Kthanks.) Anywho, this year me and Katie are in Algebra Dos together and I'm loving every second of it. Except for the fact she sits on the other side of the room from me. But I get to see her after class and we walk for several minutes together before splitting off. Now you are most likely wondering why in the world I am writing about my dear friend Katie. Well I will tell you. TODAY IS KATHERINE WACHHOLZ BIRTHDAAAAAAY :D Oh jeez. And she is now eligible for her license. But kiddos, do not fret your little heads over her on the road. She is an excellent driver as I have had personal experience with her skills on a last minute rendezvous to Burger King where I was outnumbered and the three others practically begged her to drive my moms car back to school. Here are a couple facts about my friend Katie; 1) She's gorgeous. 2) She's smart but needs my help in math, which I am happy to give! 3) She is hilarious even when not trying to be. 4) She's on flags. 5) because she's on flags she has to wear tiny little skirts. 6) In those tiny little skirts you will find she has fantastic legs. 7) She has such great legs because she runs a lot. 8) She hates being complimented and disagrees a lot. 9) She lives pretty damn close to Marlies Brooks. 10) She has the cutest little style. 11) She has fantastic boobies. 12) She's my fork friend. 13) Basically wants to live and breathe in Wisconsin. 14) She calls me Meghan Poop. 15) She will kill me for writing even two words of this entry so I should probably go. Okay byeee! P.S: I LOVE YOU KATIE BUG <3

I Need A Good Rant.

Sometimes I just feel like screaming. How is it that someone so vain can get anything she wants without even trying? I try so hard and usually end up failing. I’m no star athlete or honor student, far from it in fact. All I am is an average looking, acting and feeling person in a world where being beautiful matters above anything else. How bullshit is that? I mean, as you get older your looks are going to fade. That is pretty much guaranteed. Sure there is botox to help but that isn’t real. It’s just another part of you that’s going to be fake just like your fake friends, your fake personality and your fake boobs. Right now you are loving life because you’re young and so sure that you’re gorgeous. And while you are very pretty you are also very FAKE. The way you lather on your make-up to hide the flaws I put right out there in world. They way you have to be the center of attention all the time just to prove your self worth. They way that you have to have all the guys around us look at you just to boost your self-esteem. Well I’ll let you in on a little secret honey, self-esteem means nothing; anyone will think they color good if enough people tell them. Deep down, compliments like that are hollow. You have been compliment fishing your entire life. Nobody, including myself, has the guts to agree with you when you say shit like “oh my god I look like shit” when you’re really saying, “oh my god I haven’t heard I’m pretty yet today so TELL ME! TELL ME!” Yeah some people may disagree with me about the way you are. But the majority of people I’ve talked to agree whole-heartedly. So if you finally decide to step down off of your high horse then maybe one of these days I might actually be a true friend to you. And maybe you’ll actually be one in return.

Getting A Bit Personal Here

And isn't that the truth? I want to be worth more than just some cheap bottle of gin and a couple packs of cigarettes. I want to actually do something with my life. I want my kids to like me. I want to have a good relationship with everyone in my life that I can. I want to have enough money not to live off of food stamps. But it's hard when your wants compete with your genes. It's hard but I think I can do it. I've been thinking about my grandma a lot lately. I started talking to an old girlfriend of my dad's and it really brought up a rush of old memories that I've tried to put out of my head. I haven't even been able to respond to one of her messages because I just don't know how to yet. Tammy if you can read this then I promise I will respond in due time, it'll just take a little bit. Anyways, tomorrow I am making a much needed pilgrimage to West Seattle. Or more specifically, my old neighborhood. I've tried it before but I couldn't even make it past the library which is five blocks from my old house. I just got right back on the bus and went home. But tomorrow I am FOR SURE going to that house. No idea what I'm going to do when I get there though. Will I laugh like I usually do in stressful or sad situations (I crack up at funerals.) Will I cry? Or will I just stand there like an idiot? Maybe I'll even just walk on past and not even bear to look at the house. Will I see my grandma, whose house is right next door. Does she still even live there? Do my old friends still live across the street? Is the park still there? Do I go and say hi to the now owners of my house? Do they know the connection between me and them? Do Mace and Stacey, my dad's old best friend and cousin, still live two houses down? The truth is there are so many questions floating around in my head about what I'll do. And for those of you that are wondering why the hell this is such a big deal to me, here's the answer: My dad and I have a history with his mom. And not a good one if you can tell. I don't feel like telling the whole story but the short version is this; he's been so messed up by her that the few times he does mention her, he calls the respondent because that is what she was called in the restraining order. Fuck okay well I gotta get some sleep, so night!

Jiminey Crickets!

As you may have noticed, this summer I enjoyed putting down random PostSecrets that had nothing to do with my posting. That would be because I adore them! Like the one to my left cracks me up. It's the totally random secrets and not always the ones that are super emotional that I like the most. It reminds that in the midst of heavy secrets, some people can just be complete dorks. Anyways I had a doctors appointment today but I had to cancel it. Sorry Tarsi! I told my mommy and she thinks I have a bladder infection which is just a total buzzkill especially since it makes me pee every five seconds, I kid you not. So instead of a free clinic I get to see my real doctor. I don't like my real doctor. I still have my pediatrician and he's nice and all but I don't like going to rooms with names like 'The Ladybug Room' or 'The Frog Room.' Oh and cherry on top of it all one time I was in the waiting room and this cute little eight year old girl yelled, real loud too, "YOU HAVE BOOBIES!" Aren't small children just a trip? Hmmm. What else? Oh yesss, last Wednesday I went to Wild Waves with my Christiner Weiner. I believe that we had an amazing time. Christine had this like fourteen year old guy that was stalking her in the wave pool. Hee hee. Funny times. Plus we saw some kids we knew which was cool. Ahhh it was exciting. My daddy nearly puked when we went on the Pirate Ship. I had my hair in braids and I love it when I have my hair in braids :D Then we went on Timber Falls or whatever and I barely got my back wet. No freaking big deal or whateverrrr. Very proud of myself. Not much else is going on with me. I've been sleeping a ton lately. I think there might be something wrong with me so I'll ask my doctor tomorrow. Anywhooo, I'm watching a super good movie so I'm about to dip and focus on it. Can't wait to see mah gurl tonight!

Erghh.

I've been doing a lot of thinking this summer and I've come to one conclusion; some people really need to get over themselves. I for one am sick of everyone walking around like they are the shit. You guys just piss me off. Person Numero Uno: you are one of my closest friends but you can annoy the shit of me. Most of the time you think far to highly of yourself. You are gorgeous don't get me wrong, but you are not the most stunning thing on this planet. You also do this thing where you constantly put me down. Sometimes you do it on purpose and I can tell. But most of the time it's hard to tell if you know what you're doing or not. Another thing is that you seem to compliment fish a lot. At first I didn't notice it but I have lately. These past few weeks you've been doing better but I can see you slipping back into your old patterns. Like I said, I adore you and everything but there is a reason I haven't seen you much this summer hun. Person Numero Dos: I used to like you at one point but I do NOT anymore. I'm sorry I was too emotionally attached, or whatever you said, before. I want to be friends with you right now because you're extremely funny and can be a pretty cool kid. But this bullcrap of talking to me then ignoring me because I put a song lyric as my staus that you think is about is getting pretty old. Don't think I can quite deal with your bipolarness. You two probably know who you are. Well I know at least number two does. So whatever just consider what I said and if you're mad or whatever then that's good for you. I can't try and hold back what I want to say all the time just to please you. Sometimes I need to please myself as well. On another note, school starts in exactly thirty days. Holy crapp! The summer seems to have gone by really fast but then I noticed there were thirty days left and it seemed to have gone by slowly at the same time. I don't know. I guess it's probably because I have done pretty much zilch all summer except hang out with people. The farthest away from home I've gotten is Hood Canal. Whoopie I'm exciting! Not... Well I am wiped so I'll probably go play Sims2 again and then catch some z's.

Summa Summa!

Holy bejesus it was hot today was it not? And it's supposed to be ONE HUNDRED tomorrow. It was even hotter here than in Jamaica is what a coach said today. That's just insane. Anywaaaays, I spent three hours in Abby's backyard slash on her trampoline teaching Christian how to do a front tuck. Haha. She got a basically perfect handspring and just needs to straighten out her body and she'll be set! Well I haven't seen Abigail in so long, unless you count like five minutes last night, that it was nice to chat with her and drink an insane amount of soda. Safe to say it was a great little day with my girls. Well Sammy and Morgan were there for a little bit but they left so yeah! Then after that fun time, already sweating and hot, I had practice. Woo! It was cut short because of the heat which was such a relief you do not even understand. The gym has no air conditioning and no fans on the side where we practice so we're always really hott and sweaty and icky. Sometimes I wish I was a guy so I could take off my shirt and not show my boobies. That's how hot it gets in there! The sad thing is that it's the last practice since it's supposed to be super hot on Thursday and the coaches think it would be inhumane to make us practice in that heat. And I say thank you to them. I was a wimp today though. Christian gave me TWO confidence texts and I didn't even talk to the bomb i think he's Latino boy at Cascade Elite. Too bad it's my last day. Oh well!

Clutter In My Head

I follow other peoples blogs and I agree with Grace, I feel like I am insanely behind on my postings. I used to post like three times a week now it's down to once a month basically. Anyways, my brownies are in the oven at the moment and I can smell them. Not to toot my own horn but I've become really good at baking brownies. Hmm let's see hear, I don't know what to talk about. There's so much going on that I guess I just don't know where to begin. We should start with applications. They are the freaking worst! I've filled out ten by hand so far and two online. Well I know once I get a job it will all be worth it, it's just super stressful and boring. I've applied at clothing stores, Jamba Juice, and Bartell's if you have any other ideas they would be great to hear (: Uhm my second order of business in gymnastics. I'm getting super bendy. I never used to be able to split on my right leg but now I'm soooo close to touching the ground. Haha. I'm kind of sad it's almost over. I really enjoy having something to do at night. Plus there are guys with phenomenal abs there. Have to wait until November to see them again, whatta buzzkill. Thirdly, if you didn't know this already I got a super bad sunburn ALL over my body last Thursday. I looked like a tomato. Not even exaggerating. What sucked was my dad still made me go to practice. Because of that my hips got really weird since I was rubbing the raw, burned skin on the bars when we did that event. I think I went through almost a full bottle of Aloe Vera gel in three days. I guess next time I should wear sunscreen XD. This post is just a way for me to get out the extra clutter occupying my brain. Now it's all nice and neat again. The next post will be a bit more interesting, I promise. P.S: SHOUT OUT TO KATIE BUGGGG <3

It Really Is Good

I just realized we are three weeks into summer. Just thought I'd share that with you. Anyways, it is an incredible day. Very sunny and warm. I think after this I might go tanning on my deck. I'm so pale it's ridiculous. How is your summer treating you so far? Good I would hope. Whether you're stuck in Washington like me or having a blast somewhere tropical or in the middle of Europe. These past few weeks have been pretty amazing for some reason. I haven't done anything too spectacular, just hung out with friends and caught up on a ridiculous amount of sleep. But I feel so happy lately. I can't really explain why. For once in my life the only thing that stresses me out is my step-mom, but that's nothing new now is it? The only thing I can connect to it is that I stopped talking to someone. Yeah they were a great person but I was too attached to them and they didn't return my feelings. Even though I knew this I always ended up dissapointing myself with him. But since I stopped talking to him I'm so much happier. Maybe he isn't the only thing that's changed but it's the main thing that I can think of at the moment other than the fact that I've decided to please myself more than I want to please other people. So between these two things life just can't get any better. Sorry if I'm sounded retarded or insanely happy but I've never felt truly blissful with myself AND with my life. It's such an amazing feeling. Okaaaay well I'm gonna bounce now. Going to tan and get ready for practice tonight. Some helluh fine boys to see there (:

It's Been Awhile...

Well it's been about two and a half months since my last post. Not really sure why I stopped writing. I think my posts just got pretty repetitive or whatever. But now I have so much more on my mind then some dumb guy I used to like and never talk to anymore. Well for one, I've been a lot happier then I was before. Pretty sure it's not a coincidence that once I learned to not form attachments to people as easily my stress dissolved. My mistake was that I kept giving everyone the benefit of the doubt no matter how often they let me down in the past. Another thing is I've been trying to re-invent myself in a way. I'm not letting anyone tell me how to live my own life. I'll do what I want, within reason, and make my own mistakes in life. I understand that you may know more about a subject then I do but if you don't let me then I'll never be able to learn for myself. All i want to do at the moment is do what makes me happy and have a good time with life on my own. I don't need a boyfriend to have a whole and content life. I have my friends who are boys and I have my friends who are girls. If someone else comes along and fits in nicely then more power to them. But at the moment I'm not out looking for something extra in my life. People go in and out of my life all the time. It may suck at times and I'd rather no one went out but rather come in closer. Only there is nothing I can do about other people's lives. If I mess up you can leave for as long as you want, I'll be here when you come back, if you choose to, just don't expect me to follow you. This may sound hypocritical compared to how I've been in the past. But the past is just that, the past. It's behind me. Gone for good. No use chasing after something I can't catch. That's kind of the reason I want to change the path ahead of me. It's the one thing I will always have control over even if everything else around me is falling apart.

Unpretty

"I wish I could tie you up in my shoes, make you feel unpretty too. I was told I was beautiful but what does that mean to you?" I'm not an unattractive person. That isn't meant to sound conceited, it's just my opinion. If you look around at my friends they are all so beautiful. Whether it's their hair (Christian), their boobies (Christine haha) or their eyes (Lizzie.) I always feel like they outrank me in every category. Lately I've been tired so I try and sleep in as late as I can but this generally involves me not putting any make-up on in the morning. And then Christian pops by my door and I instantly regret it. I try again the next day and the next. I am hoping that one day I can feel good about who I am and what I look like. Personally, I blame the media for most of the problem. You can't turn on the t.v without seeing some stick thin model batting her eyelashes at you. It makes a lot of turn to our perfectly good looking bodies and feel fat. For me I am a little chubby in the stomach area but I really hope to tone it out this summer in Pilate's. But for the most part I have an okay looking body. But the thing that bothers me the most is when your own friends criticize you, even jokingly. As teenage girls our self esteem basically hits the floor when we hit high school. So even a small joke which we laugh off will stay in our minds as we go home and look in the mirror. For example I get teased for not having a butt. But when I look in the mirror I think it's nice and proportionate to the rest of my body since I have a more petite figure. But I still can't help and look at everyone around me and wish that I could have their complexion or their non-frizzy hair or their perfect teeth. High school sucks to begin with, the last thing we need is a whole bunch of gorgeous girls running around and screwing it up.

Not Just A Fleeting Thought

I don't know how many of you have thought about suicide. But I saw this secret on the site and saved it because it reminded me so much of what I did. Life is all peachy keen for me right now and I've never had like a super dee duper legit reason to want to off myself. But about a year ago I read this book called 13 Reasons Why. Ahh so some of you know it. I don't blame you, it's a very good book. For those of you that don't know it here is a summary: "Basically it's about a girl, Hannah Baker, who kills herself and leaves seven cassette tapes about why she did. There are thirteen reasons in all, one on each tape except for the last one which only has one. The story follows Clay, story number irrelevant, the guy who was in love with Hannah for three years. We soon learn the consequences of what may seem to be the smallest of things and how they can snowball into something we would all be affected by." Okay so I got some of that off of Amazon.com but really, I suck at summaries. Anyways when I started reading this book I became really affected by it. Sometimes I would sit and think about the best way to go. A month after I read I even tied a belt around my bunk bed but then quickly took it down. Now fast forward to February of this year, Mr.Stearns English class. We started book circle groups. Mine happened to choose 13 Reasons Why. When I read it again it stirred up a lot of old feelings. But this time I took my plan a little but further. I had a joural that I used for all sorts of important stuff; writing down poems, blog entry ideas, how to kill Jill/Mr.Witt. I took all of the papers out of it and shoved them somewhere deep down inside my closet and began to write. First I wrote a quick 'I'm Sorry' to my mom and dad. On the next page I listed down thirteen names. They were in no specific order at the beginning, just who popped into my brain first. I then spent a lot of time erasing, taking people off and putting them back on over and over again until I had a solid list. By this time it was about two o'clock on a March Saturday morning. How I remember that I have no idea but I just do. I drafted my first letter taking a lot of time to construct exactly what I was going to say. I then started spending a lot of time with that notebook. In the next seven days I had piles of missing homework and thirteen perfect goodbye letters. Now my plan was a little different, I wasn't going to send out one set of tapes and let it trickle down through each person. I had written one private letter to everyone on my list and now all I need were the addresses. Most I knew because I had either been to their houses or lived close to them. But some of the names I wasn't sure of. And let's face it, there is no discreet way of asking the EXACT location of someones house. After about a week I let go of the final two people and simply just added at the bottom of two other letters to please deliver their letters to them. I was so close to doing this dreadful deed that I actually went out to the store and bought some pills. Normally these pills are okay if taken one or two at a time but I planned on taking many. I had it all planned out too. What day, what house, what time, where to leave the letters so that would be found easily. As always I had my phone next to me, this time it was different because I had a bottle of pills next to me. I was home alone and now was as good time as ever to do it. Here's where it gets a bit like an over-clichéd teen movie scene. My phone vibrated and I looked down to see that I had one new text message. I flipped open my phone to find it was from a bestie. She was saying she had a great time with me and couldn't wait to see me at school. Do you remember who you are? Because you saved my life. Thank you. Now, the thirteen people that I wrote to: Tarsi Mouat, Christian Mason, Jenny Smith, Lisa Echert, Alan Pederson, Christine Day, Kathleen Kerrigan, Kai Kau, Katie Wachholz, Anna Lazar, Michelle Spoelhof, Sean B.H and Anahi Vicencio. And if you're interested, I still have the letters. So if you want to see them, which you probably don't, but if you do just tell me. When I think back on this I seriously think that this kind of out wasn't the answer. People should strongly consider what they're about to give up if they think that suicide is the right way to solve a problem.

Yet Another

As always I've been spending a lot of time thinking about what I need to do. And since I am now trying to forget the person that I go to for advice on guys, I'm pretty much on my own. I just need to know it's okay if I mess around with a guy. Lately relationships haven't been working out to well for me. Honestly I cannot remember the last real one that I was in, if I've ever been in one. So now I am just going to be single. Give up in a sense. But not quite. I'll do the guy thing. I'll mess around with people but not let myself get attached. It's what most people seem to be doing. And if they do seem to start getting attached or see that they might, guys will sever whatever they have with us and bolt. Okay, for the lucky few the guy is good and decent and sticks around. But that never is the case for me. So I think I'll try this, at least for a little while. If I see myself getting to attached to someone then I will let them go and move on to the next. I no longer give a shit if you think that's whore behavior because my life is not yours to make decisions in what I do. I could be so much worse than what I am. I could be selling myself on the streets of Aurora at midnight. I could be sleeping with guys five years older than me. I could be having sex at school. Despite what people like to assume about me, I haven't done that much. Sure I've slept with people. But in at least two years that won't matter anymore. By then so much of our class with have slept with someone that the fact that I'm not a virgin won't matter. We all end up having sex. It's a fact of life. Why does it matter to you that I started a bit earlier? It's not your vagina. It's mine. Hate to be so blunt with you but it's just how it is. And all of you have no problem telling me what you think about me little "habit." It's just sex. After your first time it doesn't mean as much anymore. Now that is not me telling you to give it up to just any guy. All I'm saying is that when you're a virgin, and you're a girl, sex is a big deal. It's very personal. But then you lose your virginity and it's like "Okay this is fun. I want to have fun with more people." It becomes easier to sleep with people than it was before you lost it. This is the way it is when you're an adult. Sure we're not adults yet, but most of us act like it. We smoke and we drink when we're not even old enough to do that. If you're going to tell me to not participate in an "adult activity" then I think that you should stop drinking and having a cigarette until you are old enough too. See it's different when the table gets flipped to face you doesn't it? So tell me not to do this, I dare you. Because for once I won't be listening. For once I'm going to do what I want to in my own life without anyones consent. For once I'm finally going to be me.

Forget Me, Not.

Okay so maybe we haven't graduated yet. But I really hope that you don't forget me. You are one of the most amazing people I have ever met. You seem to know me better than I could ever know myself. Even when I try and kid my own mind, you turn it around to let me know that I do know what your talking about and that I do know what I'm doing. I try and mask it with a smile or a quick laugh. But you keep a stern face on and let me know that I cannot fool you. Does it bug me? Yes. Can it hurt me sometimes? Yes. Would I want it any other way? No. I look forward to talking to you everyday that I can. You're the first name I look for when I get online. It's a little more than vaguely pathetic since I know you've never and will never feel how I feel towards you. The feeling has just been following me around for a little bit. But I can't forget it. Why? I have no fucking idea. Okay so I started writing this post a couple hours ago and was unaware of how to fill it. And now I know how to, by going against the topic of this posting. I need to forget you. I don't care if you forget me or not. All I know is I need to just let go of how I feel about you and get on with my life. Yeah, I mean I'll miss all the great advice and you making me laugh at the stupidest things. I will miss that, it cheers me up so much. But I think I can find someone who will replace you. No, I know WILL find someone who WILL replace you. At the moment I think it's the best thing for me to do. I can't get attached to anyone at all. It's the perfect way of setting myself up for getting hurt. I've done it in the past. And it's something I haven't let myself do since 8th grade. That was, until you came along. You've already caused me hurt and caused me pain, but not in the way people usually do. So I have to let you go. And I will keep saying that same phrase over and over again until it actually happens. Because this type of pain you've caused hurts more than it ever has with any other guy before. I trusted, and still do I guess, trust you 100% with anything. I gave you all of myself. Which might have been the problem. You gave me none of you. I suppose that is on my head though. I've never given someone that much of me. Then I did to someone who, to be honest, I barely knew. Maybe someday I'll be strong enough to go back and remember you. But for now, I'm as weak as I've always been. And you don't even care.

Finally

Sorry if I've been behind on my postings. It's been a hell of a couple of weeks and lately I barely have time to sit down and do a Myspace survey let alone write a blog post or two. But I'm gonna try to do it more often now. I promise my Katie Bug (: Anyways you're probably wondering why I picked the PostSecret that I did. If you weren't, then I guess you're just a smart cookie eh? Anyways, as I'm sure that you know I'm not a virgin. I've had sex. With more than one guy too. *GASP* I know, how shocking that a teenager would have sex. It's just horrible isn't. I mean I obviously must be a dirty skank. Wrong. I'm sorry if I make a choice that goes against your opinions or beliefs. But I'm not going to stop doing something just because you, whoever you are, is against what I do with MY time. Excuse for not realizing that my sex life was any of your concern. Oopsie. But I will definitely keep that in mind next time I make a personal decision, I'll be sure to let you know. Well I seem to be getting off of topic here, so let's start the real entry shall we? Basically as a teenage girl we know that teenage boys think about sex only once every three seconds right? So we should be expecting that they try to get some if they ask to hang out or even date us. But yet most of us act so surprised when we make decisions that we have to know will get us into a "complicated" situation. I think it's total bullshit, you just want sympathy. Face it, if you hang out with a guy who is an asshole and uses women then he'll probably try and use you. Now you may be sitting there and calling me a hypocrite. But I'm not. I happen to know exactly what I'm getting myself into when I enter into those different situations. Yeah, I regret almost everytime afterwards especially with a certain situation. It is what I wanted at that time. And hey, I was single. Who the hell are you to judge me as a girl for doing that while I was single but not the guy. He was single too. He fooled around with me. So why is he not called a whore? Why do his "friends" not make jokes at his expense? Why isn't he the one forcing a laugh when people comment on it when he really doesn't find it all that funny? (In fact I'd bet he would be hurting everytime someone made a remark about it, but that's just me.) I don't know the answer to any of those questions, but I do know that it isn't fair. In the long run it won't matter, he was just one of the many jerks I'll run into over the years. And he'll leave just like all the others. Because he was a jerk I'll shrug it off and move on. I always do. But it's the ones that I care about that kill me. I take things slow, not always physically, but emotionally. It takes a bit of time for me to let a guy in and have me trust him pretty much fully. I know have an agreement with myself that I won't have sex/going to third base with a guy unless I'm sure he won't leave me right afterwards. That has happened so many times that I finally just stopped getting into a relationship and started just fooling around with people who I knew didn't care about me and I knew I didn't care about them. But I want to start over. Yeah, I'm down for still messing around and stuff, just with someone I know and trust more than the guys in my past. I don't know. It may not make sense to you guys. But it does to me. 

A Liar And A Cheat

Why do guys feel the need to cheat? If you're feeling feelings that strong towards another person that isn't your "significant other," then you should end it with them. Sure, they'll feel hurt. But girls feel even more hurt if they find out you've been cheating. That sometimes backfires though. Often you guys will lie as to why your breaking up with them. When you do that it just pisses us off even more. Yeah so, it's a short piece today. Not in a great mood right now so I might expand on it later. Kbye.

Rest In Peace Grandma /:

Okay so you may think I'm being retarded. Oh wait! You already do, I know this because someone left a nasty truthbox comment saying I should get over it because it's not like I lost a parent. Well I guess I'll go find your grandmother and giver her a heart attack. Let's see how you feel about it then. Dick. And yeah, I guess it would have been worse to lose a parent. And I'm happy both of mine are still around. But grandma was one of the most special people I ever knew. And she had her eccentric moments, but who doesn't? She bought me my first camera and got me interested in the arts of poetry and photography. Two things I absolutely adore to do. At family events she always had her camera out, taking pictures of everyone and everything. No one liked when she did that. But they would always have a grin on their face when they asked her to stop taking pictures. She was one of the friendliest people I knew. If I went up to Fred Meyer with her I could always count on every worker from Cosmetics to the Deli to know her name. Whenever I would walk down to get her mail, seemingly countless neighbors would shout out for me to say hi or to thank her for something they did for them. I loved spending weekends up there, although I would never admit it. Being away from everything gave me time to think. We would always have oatmeal and eggos for breakfast. Every night was spaghetti or mashed potatoes in front of the t.v with a good movie. Then stay up until one in the morning watching M*A*S*H. Afternoons were spent at the dining room table while my Bumpa, grandpa, taught me how to play solitaire and poker. It was peaceful, maybe even boring, existence. But I loved it. It's how it was. I knew how happy they were to have me up there. Even if it was only once a year that I would stay a weekend. But I always tried to go once a season. She was one of the most generous people I knew. Loved family holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas because it brought us all together as a family. And although she hated Mother's Day, why I do not know, she put up with it because she knew that would drive up and see her one more day out of the year. Family was her whole life. And that, my friends, is why I am especially crushed by her sudden passing. The emptiness she's left on this planet, however small it is to others, will be felt by me for a long time. So don't be a doosche. Appreciate who and what you have. Because in an instant, they could be gone.

Remember That? I Do. And Want To Return.

If you have Myspace then you've probably seen those "You Know You're A 90's Kid..." bulletins that seem to pop up almost randomly at times.  The things that include: You've ever ended a sentence with the word "SIKE!", You just cant resist finishing this... "Iiiin west Philadelphia born and raised...", You remember TGIF on ABC. Step by Step, Family Matters, Dinosaurs, and Boy Meets World, You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school, You remember reading "Goosebumps," You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school. Personally I remember, and did all of those things. Being  kid was so much fun. You got to run through the sprinkler, have your parents make you PB&J everyday after school, and just be free. Nowadays summer jobs keep us away from the sprinklers, we have to make our own food and we seem to be chained to homework for several hours a day. But that's not the only thing we left behind. It was the innocence and the pigtails and the constant laughter. Boys still had cooties so we never suffered a single heartbreak. The highest we ever got was swinging at the playground. We only sucked lollipops. But now? Our lives are spiraled in directions we could never have imagined. Little kids I play with or babysit always tell me how they want to be a big teenager and have cool teenage lives. It's so hard for me to just sit there are smile gently at them. They're so full of hope and love. I sit up and night and think about how I wish I could just go back to it all. Back to when my heart was full and bursting. Back to when I cared about nothing except getting a barbie for Christmas. Back when I got shy just holding a guys hand. And back to when I only cried because I fell off my bike...

Screw Seniors, Sophmores Need A Break Too!

Who says school flu has to be limited to seniors? They're only two years older than us, why should they get any special treatment?! Although we will expect it when we are seniors ourselves (: Now back to the point! It is early May and we over worked. Some of us drowning in essays from English class. Others are about to snap at their biology teachers, namely me. But when have I ever not wanted to kill him? Anywho! I just looked at the calender and we get like one or two more days off of school FOR THE NEXT TWO MONTHS! Can any of us handle that? I don't think so. It's starting to get sunny and the girls are pulling out those booty shorts again. This means an equal distraction to the guys as well. No one wants to be stuck inside on a beautiful day learning about quadratic equations or the process of evolution. And tell me, who honestly wants to hear Mr. Stearns say we can't go outside on yet another pretty Monday because he has a stick up his ass? I would honestly focus so much better if I could read on the grass of the field. Think about it. Either we ask the school for more off days or just do classes outside! With all the time spent off in the winter, you'd think the administration would have some sort of heart to let us have more fun in the sun! Especially given that our summer is just barely two months long. I know kids that are getting out on May 15th. So many students at Shorewood are just begging for a sun day (Get it? sunny day=sun day, similar to snow day. Whatever. I'm lame.) But yes, we need more days off. Or some type of cure to the sophmore version of senioritis. Need to think up a name for it... Soon it's gonna be June and the shorts are gonna get shorter while the binders get thicker. It's just not fair. And then they expect us to focus on finals?! Whatta bunch whatta bunch...

What If?

I think this basically speaks for itself. I don't know why, but last night I was laying awake and staring at the ceiling when all of sudden that night came rushing back into my head. And like I do with all things I sat there and dissected it far more than probably was necessary. Also like everything these days it's hard to explain exactly why I put all that thought into it. I do agree with you. I don't feel as much of a connection as there was before. I'm moving on to the next thing and am more than happy to be just friends. But I have a tendency to think 'what if' with just about everything. So what would have happened if I had kissed you? Would we be together? Would we have realized we were actually better off friends? I mean what? And before you get on your high horse and judge me, I know that everyone thinks 'what if' about something in their life. Even if it's the smallest thing like 'what if I had gotten to the coffee shop one second later, would I still have spilled my mocha all over me?' So many people like to act all high and mighty and be like 'I live with no regrets! Take that bitches.' I just don't understand it. I have made so many mistakes, so many regrets. And yes, all of those have turned me into the person I am today. Maybe I wouldn't have learned as much in life if I hadn't made those mistakes. Who the hell knows? But I still regret my actions in one way or another. So when people say that it just frusturates me. No one likes living with the regret of not saying something or acting in a different way than they should have. So what makes you all special to say I live with no regrets? I honestly want to know so maybe one day I can be the kid walking down the street saying that I've lived my life to it's fullest potential and mistakes crammed in every now and again but I have no regrets. So tell me please! Actually, maybe you're just bumping along to a Bobby McFerrin song, one of my faves, 'Don't Worry Be Happy.' If so then I guess I can't blame you. It does have a very catchy and chill beat about it. If you're wondering why I brought it up it's because it just started playing on my iTunes.

Trying To Explain

I do. I have so many things I would adore being able to tell you. But it's so hard. I mean even just last nights conversation was a struggle for me. You are one of the most amazing kids that I know. And I know you're reading this and going "Wow this girl is pathetic." Which I am. Haha. Liking a guy who just wants to be friends? I mean really, how much more dumb can you get? Not much I reckon. I tried hard to tell you what I wanted to before. But I couldn't get it all out in the open. And I still can't. As hard as I try, I just don't know how to say it to you. I mean, trust me, I am fine with being just friends. I still want you in my life even if it's just buddy buddy. But this entry is not just about you. It's about the all the people I can't say things too. So this entry is going to be like one of those Facebook/Myspace things where you list different things you want to say to people. And in this one I will not be telling people what I enjoy about them. Let's get started shall we? 1) First off, you are total and complete bitch. You yell at me for what I do when you're off doing the exact same thing. Except yours is worse because you never own up to your reputation. At least I can admit the mistakes I've made in the past have made me into what I am today. What you do is just about the same thing that I do just your actual actions are more innocent than mine, well not all of them. Own up to what you do. Slutt. 2) You can be one of the most two-faced people I have ever met. You'll talk shit about me behind my back then walk right over to me and start talking shit to me about the person you just just shit talked me too. MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND! No one else may see it, but I do. And all that bullshit really needs to come to an end. Well that's it. Sorry if you were expecting to see a lot of people up here, but there were only two people I needed to bitch at without actually bitching at. And well, since I know they both read this, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off of my chest. I guess I've just become so accustomed to you guys pointing out my imperfections and mistakes straight to my face that I just had to do it back to you. You seem to have no idea how it all affects me. YES! I have made mistakes. I own up to them every chance I can get. But I don't like them being pointed out over and over again. My chest tightens up and honestly I feel like I want to cry because I could be doing way worse things than what I have done. No one is perfect okay? I know you two like to think you are. But you're not. People make mistakes. They have these things called flaws. And so do you. I KNOW! How fucking shocking to even think that you could possibly be cursed with such a thing. Well there's the truth about what I think. Your names weren't posted because I thought I'd respect you, not that you would recognize respect if it hit you in the face. If you're interested that it could be you, just message me. I'll be only to happy to inform you if it is or not.