Underachievers

I really hate people who don't try. The kind of people that think they're better then homework. They care more about a social life then where they're going in life. I'm not saying don't have one, but there needs to be balance. And there's going to be those times when we have to say to ourselves "I really can't do anything tonight because I have this project I need to get done." It sucks I agree but it has to be done. I'm working tonight. I would so much rather go to the football game, but I can't. If I were to call up my boss and not go to work I could get fired. But unfortunately there are those people that just get by in life. The people that would rather go to the movies then finish the math homework. These people thrive in high school, but when it comes time for college they are fucked. They'll have shit for a G.P.A and no extracurriculars to put down because they would rather have hung out with people instead of doing something. And while everyone else is off at college they'll be stuck at home or trying to find a job that barely pays minimum wage and wishing they hadn't fucked around as much during school. So have a nice life (:

Mmm.

Not a lot to say tonight. Sure there's been plenty on my mind, but not really much I want to talk about. I still tell my friends some of what I've been thinking of. For me it's always been easier to talk about what I'm feeling then to just harbor it inside. Except that lately I've been pondering things that I'm not sharing even with my closest friends. The thoughts crowding my brain aren't exactly life changing or anything. It's just very out of the ordinary for me not to share things with Christine or Alan. Well, I most definitely do not tell them everything. But the small mundane things to problems I need help with I spill to them. It almost worries me that I'm not going to them about this stuff. I feel like I'm starting to close myself off from everyone, from everything, and that it's starting with them, two of the last people I would ever want to be out of my life. If I was closing myself off they would be the final ones to go, not the first. I don't even know. I'm just confused I guess. In all aspects. Life, love, school, friends, family, work. Nothing is really going right. Life is spinning out of control. Love is not a large part in my life (read non-exsistent), high school is overrated, friends are full of stupid drama, family has always been trouble and work does not pay me enough to stand on concrete covered carpet for six hours a day.

Run Away

It amazes me how so many people tell you that high school will be the best four years of your life. But ever since freshman year, all I've wanted to do is to get out of it. The meaningless cliques, the stupid drama (which i have indulged in from time to time), everyone wants everything but no one actually knows what they need. We're all dogs chasing our tails in high school. Stupid things like prom queen actually matter. No on actually gives a shit if you were the prettiest, most popular girl in school with the best clothes. What actually matters is your people skills. I'm not saying that looks don't matter, I mean you want to make a good impression. But they don't matter as much. Honestly the real world sounds so much better than high school. For one, in college we get to learn about what we actually want to learn about. Also who you were in high school doesn't matter anymore. People like you for you and nothing else (excluding sororities and fraternities who judge pretty much on appearance.) All I want to do is just get out of here. Shoreline is constricting. I love the spirit of Seattle but I rarely get to be downtown anymore unless I'm visiting my mom at work. I want to get out of here and be at Western or WASU or MCLA. Somewhere where no one knows me and no one judges me. I just want to run away.

Dreams

Dream (n): a succesion of images, emotions or thoughts passing through the mind during sleep. Well lately some pretty weird images, emotions and thoughts have been passing through my nights sleep. Maybe it's not as strange as diamonds in my hoo-hoo, but I still end up really confused when I wake up in the morning. I mean these are things I don't usually think of during the day, or at all for that matter, and here they are popping up in my head while I snooze. Aren't dreams supposed to have some secret meaning into what your subconscious is thinking or desires? If that's the case then my subconscious needs to catch up to the conscious part of my brain because I have no idea why in the hell I would think about the things I've been having dreams about. Well I have also heard that you can dream about the last thing you thought of before you went to sleep. That I can see being more plausible because on occasion I've just thought about different people from school or the bus or somewhere else. Not really sure why I do it. Maybe I'm just curious about what their lives are like, especially people on the bus. Anyways, but sometimes there are things I never think of before I go to sleep that pop in my head. Dreams are confusing in general. For one, even if you sleep for hours the dream still only seems to last for a couple minutes. And for two, why do they always end right when it's getting good? Which leads me to three, when you wake up in the middle of a fantastic dream, why is it when you fall back asleep that it never seems to come back? I guess we'll never know unless dreams decide to talk one day. But don't hold your breath.

Let Me Tell You About My Friend Katie Wachholz...

Oh Katie. Dearest Katie. My Katie Bug. I do not even know where I even begin with this amazing little girl. Well I pretty much love this girl. Actually I DO love her! I've known her for a couple years but we didn't really start talking until 9th grade health and even then barely ever. The next year in Integrated 2 math class we got pretty close. I told her about my acting adventures and we took a shitload of pictures via our laptop cameras. In fact I'm pretty sad slash shaken up that we can't take photographs on our computers this year. (If you know how to re-enable the cameras please let me know. Kthanks.) Anywho, this year me and Katie are in Algebra Dos together and I'm loving every second of it. Except for the fact she sits on the other side of the room from me. But I get to see her after class and we walk for several minutes together before splitting off. Now you are most likely wondering why in the world I am writing about my dear friend Katie. Well I will tell you. TODAY IS KATHERINE WACHHOLZ BIRTHDAAAAAAY :D Oh jeez. And she is now eligible for her license. But kiddos, do not fret your little heads over her on the road. She is an excellent driver as I have had personal experience with her skills on a last minute rendezvous to Burger King where I was outnumbered and the three others practically begged her to drive my moms car back to school. Here are a couple facts about my friend Katie; 1) She's gorgeous. 2) She's smart but needs my help in math, which I am happy to give! 3) She is hilarious even when not trying to be. 4) She's on flags. 5) because she's on flags she has to wear tiny little skirts. 6) In those tiny little skirts you will find she has fantastic legs. 7) She has such great legs because she runs a lot. 8) She hates being complimented and disagrees a lot. 9) She lives pretty damn close to Marlies Brooks. 10) She has the cutest little style. 11) She has fantastic boobies. 12) She's my fork friend. 13) Basically wants to live and breathe in Wisconsin. 14) She calls me Meghan Poop. 15) She will kill me for writing even two words of this entry so I should probably go. Okay byeee! P.S: I LOVE YOU KATIE BUG <3

I Need A Good Rant.

Sometimes I just feel like screaming. How is it that someone so vain can get anything she wants without even trying? I try so hard and usually end up failing. I’m no star athlete or honor student, far from it in fact. All I am is an average looking, acting and feeling person in a world where being beautiful matters above anything else. How bullshit is that? I mean, as you get older your looks are going to fade. That is pretty much guaranteed. Sure there is botox to help but that isn’t real. It’s just another part of you that’s going to be fake just like your fake friends, your fake personality and your fake boobs. Right now you are loving life because you’re young and so sure that you’re gorgeous. And while you are very pretty you are also very FAKE. The way you lather on your make-up to hide the flaws I put right out there in world. They way you have to be the center of attention all the time just to prove your self worth. They way that you have to have all the guys around us look at you just to boost your self-esteem. Well I’ll let you in on a little secret honey, self-esteem means nothing; anyone will think they color good if enough people tell them. Deep down, compliments like that are hollow. You have been compliment fishing your entire life. Nobody, including myself, has the guts to agree with you when you say shit like “oh my god I look like shit” when you’re really saying, “oh my god I haven’t heard I’m pretty yet today so TELL ME! TELL ME!” Yeah some people may disagree with me about the way you are. But the majority of people I’ve talked to agree whole-heartedly. So if you finally decide to step down off of your high horse then maybe one of these days I might actually be a true friend to you. And maybe you’ll actually be one in return.

Getting A Bit Personal Here

And isn't that the truth? I want to be worth more than just some cheap bottle of gin and a couple packs of cigarettes. I want to actually do something with my life. I want my kids to like me. I want to have a good relationship with everyone in my life that I can. I want to have enough money not to live off of food stamps. But it's hard when your wants compete with your genes. It's hard but I think I can do it. I've been thinking about my grandma a lot lately. I started talking to an old girlfriend of my dad's and it really brought up a rush of old memories that I've tried to put out of my head. I haven't even been able to respond to one of her messages because I just don't know how to yet. Tammy if you can read this then I promise I will respond in due time, it'll just take a little bit. Anyways, tomorrow I am making a much needed pilgrimage to West Seattle. Or more specifically, my old neighborhood. I've tried it before but I couldn't even make it past the library which is five blocks from my old house. I just got right back on the bus and went home. But tomorrow I am FOR SURE going to that house. No idea what I'm going to do when I get there though. Will I laugh like I usually do in stressful or sad situations (I crack up at funerals.) Will I cry? Or will I just stand there like an idiot? Maybe I'll even just walk on past and not even bear to look at the house. Will I see my grandma, whose house is right next door. Does she still even live there? Do my old friends still live across the street? Is the park still there? Do I go and say hi to the now owners of my house? Do they know the connection between me and them? Do Mace and Stacey, my dad's old best friend and cousin, still live two houses down? The truth is there are so many questions floating around in my head about what I'll do. And for those of you that are wondering why the hell this is such a big deal to me, here's the answer: My dad and I have a history with his mom. And not a good one if you can tell. I don't feel like telling the whole story but the short version is this; he's been so messed up by her that the few times he does mention her, he calls the respondent because that is what she was called in the restraining order. Fuck okay well I gotta get some sleep, so night!

Jiminey Crickets!

As you may have noticed, this summer I enjoyed putting down random PostSecrets that had nothing to do with my posting. That would be because I adore them! Like the one to my left cracks me up. It's the totally random secrets and not always the ones that are super emotional that I like the most. It reminds that in the midst of heavy secrets, some people can just be complete dorks. Anyways I had a doctors appointment today but I had to cancel it. Sorry Tarsi! I told my mommy and she thinks I have a bladder infection which is just a total buzzkill especially since it makes me pee every five seconds, I kid you not. So instead of a free clinic I get to see my real doctor. I don't like my real doctor. I still have my pediatrician and he's nice and all but I don't like going to rooms with names like 'The Ladybug Room' or 'The Frog Room.' Oh and cherry on top of it all one time I was in the waiting room and this cute little eight year old girl yelled, real loud too, "YOU HAVE BOOBIES!" Aren't small children just a trip? Hmmm. What else? Oh yesss, last Wednesday I went to Wild Waves with my Christiner Weiner. I believe that we had an amazing time. Christine had this like fourteen year old guy that was stalking her in the wave pool. Hee hee. Funny times. Plus we saw some kids we knew which was cool. Ahhh it was exciting. My daddy nearly puked when we went on the Pirate Ship. I had my hair in braids and I love it when I have my hair in braids :D Then we went on Timber Falls or whatever and I barely got my back wet. No freaking big deal or whateverrrr. Very proud of myself. Not much else is going on with me. I've been sleeping a ton lately. I think there might be something wrong with me so I'll ask my doctor tomorrow. Anywhooo, I'm watching a super good movie so I'm about to dip and focus on it. Can't wait to see mah gurl tonight!

Erghh.

I've been doing a lot of thinking this summer and I've come to one conclusion; some people really need to get over themselves. I for one am sick of everyone walking around like they are the shit. You guys just piss me off. Person Numero Uno: you are one of my closest friends but you can annoy the shit of me. Most of the time you think far to highly of yourself. You are gorgeous don't get me wrong, but you are not the most stunning thing on this planet. You also do this thing where you constantly put me down. Sometimes you do it on purpose and I can tell. But most of the time it's hard to tell if you know what you're doing or not. Another thing is that you seem to compliment fish a lot. At first I didn't notice it but I have lately. These past few weeks you've been doing better but I can see you slipping back into your old patterns. Like I said, I adore you and everything but there is a reason I haven't seen you much this summer hun. Person Numero Dos: I used to like you at one point but I do NOT anymore. I'm sorry I was too emotionally attached, or whatever you said, before. I want to be friends with you right now because you're extremely funny and can be a pretty cool kid. But this bullcrap of talking to me then ignoring me because I put a song lyric as my staus that you think is about is getting pretty old. Don't think I can quite deal with your bipolarness. You two probably know who you are. Well I know at least number two does. So whatever just consider what I said and if you're mad or whatever then that's good for you. I can't try and hold back what I want to say all the time just to please you. Sometimes I need to please myself as well. On another note, school starts in exactly thirty days. Holy crapp! The summer seems to have gone by really fast but then I noticed there were thirty days left and it seemed to have gone by slowly at the same time. I don't know. I guess it's probably because I have done pretty much zilch all summer except hang out with people. The farthest away from home I've gotten is Hood Canal. Whoopie I'm exciting! Not... Well I am wiped so I'll probably go play Sims2 again and then catch some z's.

Summa Summa!

Holy bejesus it was hot today was it not? And it's supposed to be ONE HUNDRED tomorrow. It was even hotter here than in Jamaica is what a coach said today. That's just insane. Anywaaaays, I spent three hours in Abby's backyard slash on her trampoline teaching Christian how to do a front tuck. Haha. She got a basically perfect handspring and just needs to straighten out her body and she'll be set! Well I haven't seen Abigail in so long, unless you count like five minutes last night, that it was nice to chat with her and drink an insane amount of soda. Safe to say it was a great little day with my girls. Well Sammy and Morgan were there for a little bit but they left so yeah! Then after that fun time, already sweating and hot, I had practice. Woo! It was cut short because of the heat which was such a relief you do not even understand. The gym has no air conditioning and no fans on the side where we practice so we're always really hott and sweaty and icky. Sometimes I wish I was a guy so I could take off my shirt and not show my boobies. That's how hot it gets in there! The sad thing is that it's the last practice since it's supposed to be super hot on Thursday and the coaches think it would be inhumane to make us practice in that heat. And I say thank you to them. I was a wimp today though. Christian gave me TWO confidence texts and I didn't even talk to the bomb i think he's Latino boy at Cascade Elite. Too bad it's my last day. Oh well!

Clutter In My Head

I follow other peoples blogs and I agree with Grace, I feel like I am insanely behind on my postings. I used to post like three times a week now it's down to once a month basically. Anyways, my brownies are in the oven at the moment and I can smell them. Not to toot my own horn but I've become really good at baking brownies. Hmm let's see hear, I don't know what to talk about. There's so much going on that I guess I just don't know where to begin. We should start with applications. They are the freaking worst! I've filled out ten by hand so far and two online. Well I know once I get a job it will all be worth it, it's just super stressful and boring. I've applied at clothing stores, Jamba Juice, and Bartell's if you have any other ideas they would be great to hear (: Uhm my second order of business in gymnastics. I'm getting super bendy. I never used to be able to split on my right leg but now I'm soooo close to touching the ground. Haha. I'm kind of sad it's almost over. I really enjoy having something to do at night. Plus there are guys with phenomenal abs there. Have to wait until November to see them again, whatta buzzkill. Thirdly, if you didn't know this already I got a super bad sunburn ALL over my body last Thursday. I looked like a tomato. Not even exaggerating. What sucked was my dad still made me go to practice. Because of that my hips got really weird since I was rubbing the raw, burned skin on the bars when we did that event. I think I went through almost a full bottle of Aloe Vera gel in three days. I guess next time I should wear sunscreen XD. This post is just a way for me to get out the extra clutter occupying my brain. Now it's all nice and neat again. The next post will be a bit more interesting, I promise. P.S: SHOUT OUT TO KATIE BUGGGG <3

It Really Is Good

I just realized we are three weeks into summer. Just thought I'd share that with you. Anyways, it is an incredible day. Very sunny and warm. I think after this I might go tanning on my deck. I'm so pale it's ridiculous. How is your summer treating you so far? Good I would hope. Whether you're stuck in Washington like me or having a blast somewhere tropical or in the middle of Europe. These past few weeks have been pretty amazing for some reason. I haven't done anything too spectacular, just hung out with friends and caught up on a ridiculous amount of sleep. But I feel so happy lately. I can't really explain why. For once in my life the only thing that stresses me out is my step-mom, but that's nothing new now is it? The only thing I can connect to it is that I stopped talking to someone. Yeah they were a great person but I was too attached to them and they didn't return my feelings. Even though I knew this I always ended up dissapointing myself with him. But since I stopped talking to him I'm so much happier. Maybe he isn't the only thing that's changed but it's the main thing that I can think of at the moment other than the fact that I've decided to please myself more than I want to please other people. So between these two things life just can't get any better. Sorry if I'm sounded retarded or insanely happy but I've never felt truly blissful with myself AND with my life. It's such an amazing feeling. Okaaaay well I'm gonna bounce now. Going to tan and get ready for practice tonight. Some helluh fine boys to see there (:

It's Been Awhile...

Well it's been about two and a half months since my last post. Not really sure why I stopped writing. I think my posts just got pretty repetitive or whatever. But now I have so much more on my mind then some dumb guy I used to like and never talk to anymore. Well for one, I've been a lot happier then I was before. Pretty sure it's not a coincidence that once I learned to not form attachments to people as easily my stress dissolved. My mistake was that I kept giving everyone the benefit of the doubt no matter how often they let me down in the past. Another thing is I've been trying to re-invent myself in a way. I'm not letting anyone tell me how to live my own life. I'll do what I want, within reason, and make my own mistakes in life. I understand that you may know more about a subject then I do but if you don't let me then I'll never be able to learn for myself. All i want to do at the moment is do what makes me happy and have a good time with life on my own. I don't need a boyfriend to have a whole and content life. I have my friends who are boys and I have my friends who are girls. If someone else comes along and fits in nicely then more power to them. But at the moment I'm not out looking for something extra in my life. People go in and out of my life all the time. It may suck at times and I'd rather no one went out but rather come in closer. Only there is nothing I can do about other people's lives. If I mess up you can leave for as long as you want, I'll be here when you come back, if you choose to, just don't expect me to follow you. This may sound hypocritical compared to how I've been in the past. But the past is just that, the past. It's behind me. Gone for good. No use chasing after something I can't catch. That's kind of the reason I want to change the path ahead of me. It's the one thing I will always have control over even if everything else around me is falling apart.

Unpretty

"I wish I could tie you up in my shoes, make you feel unpretty too. I was told I was beautiful but what does that mean to you?" I'm not an unattractive person. That isn't meant to sound conceited, it's just my opinion. If you look around at my friends they are all so beautiful. Whether it's their hair (Christian), their boobies (Christine haha) or their eyes (Lizzie.) I always feel like they outrank me in every category. Lately I've been tired so I try and sleep in as late as I can but this generally involves me not putting any make-up on in the morning. And then Christian pops by my door and I instantly regret it. I try again the next day and the next. I am hoping that one day I can feel good about who I am and what I look like. Personally, I blame the media for most of the problem. You can't turn on the t.v without seeing some stick thin model batting her eyelashes at you. It makes a lot of turn to our perfectly good looking bodies and feel fat. For me I am a little chubby in the stomach area but I really hope to tone it out this summer in Pilate's. But for the most part I have an okay looking body. But the thing that bothers me the most is when your own friends criticize you, even jokingly. As teenage girls our self esteem basically hits the floor when we hit high school. So even a small joke which we laugh off will stay in our minds as we go home and look in the mirror. For example I get teased for not having a butt. But when I look in the mirror I think it's nice and proportionate to the rest of my body since I have a more petite figure. But I still can't help and look at everyone around me and wish that I could have their complexion or their non-frizzy hair or their perfect teeth. High school sucks to begin with, the last thing we need is a whole bunch of gorgeous girls running around and screwing it up.

Not Just A Fleeting Thought

I don't know how many of you have thought about suicide. But I saw this secret on the site and saved it because it reminded me so much of what I did. Life is all peachy keen for me right now and I've never had like a super dee duper legit reason to want to off myself. But about a year ago I read this book called 13 Reasons Why. Ahh so some of you know it. I don't blame you, it's a very good book. For those of you that don't know it here is a summary: "Basically it's about a girl, Hannah Baker, who kills herself and leaves seven cassette tapes about why she did. There are thirteen reasons in all, one on each tape except for the last one which only has one. The story follows Clay, story number irrelevant, the guy who was in love with Hannah for three years. We soon learn the consequences of what may seem to be the smallest of things and how they can snowball into something we would all be affected by." Okay so I got some of that off of Amazon.com but really, I suck at summaries. Anyways when I started reading this book I became really affected by it. Sometimes I would sit and think about the best way to go. A month after I read I even tied a belt around my bunk bed but then quickly took it down. Now fast forward to February of this year, Mr.Stearns English class. We started book circle groups. Mine happened to choose 13 Reasons Why. When I read it again it stirred up a lot of old feelings. But this time I took my plan a little but further. I had a joural that I used for all sorts of important stuff; writing down poems, blog entry ideas, how to kill Jill/Mr.Witt. I took all of the papers out of it and shoved them somewhere deep down inside my closet and began to write. First I wrote a quick 'I'm Sorry' to my mom and dad. On the next page I listed down thirteen names. They were in no specific order at the beginning, just who popped into my brain first. I then spent a lot of time erasing, taking people off and putting them back on over and over again until I had a solid list. By this time it was about two o'clock on a March Saturday morning. How I remember that I have no idea but I just do. I drafted my first letter taking a lot of time to construct exactly what I was going to say. I then started spending a lot of time with that notebook. In the next seven days I had piles of missing homework and thirteen perfect goodbye letters. Now my plan was a little different, I wasn't going to send out one set of tapes and let it trickle down through each person. I had written one private letter to everyone on my list and now all I need were the addresses. Most I knew because I had either been to their houses or lived close to them. But some of the names I wasn't sure of. And let's face it, there is no discreet way of asking the EXACT location of someones house. After about a week I let go of the final two people and simply just added at the bottom of two other letters to please deliver their letters to them. I was so close to doing this dreadful deed that I actually went out to the store and bought some pills. Normally these pills are okay if taken one or two at a time but I planned on taking many. I had it all planned out too. What day, what house, what time, where to leave the letters so that would be found easily. As always I had my phone next to me, this time it was different because I had a bottle of pills next to me. I was home alone and now was as good time as ever to do it. Here's where it gets a bit like an over-clichéd teen movie scene. My phone vibrated and I looked down to see that I had one new text message. I flipped open my phone to find it was from a bestie. She was saying she had a great time with me and couldn't wait to see me at school. Do you remember who you are? Because you saved my life. Thank you. Now, the thirteen people that I wrote to: Tarsi Mouat, Christian Mason, Jenny Smith, Lisa Echert, Alan Pederson, Christine Day, Kathleen Kerrigan, Kai Kau, Katie Wachholz, Anna Lazar, Michelle Spoelhof, Sean B.H and Anahi Vicencio. And if you're interested, I still have the letters. So if you want to see them, which you probably don't, but if you do just tell me. When I think back on this I seriously think that this kind of out wasn't the answer. People should strongly consider what they're about to give up if they think that suicide is the right way to solve a problem.

Yet Another

As always I've been spending a lot of time thinking about what I need to do. And since I am now trying to forget the person that I go to for advice on guys, I'm pretty much on my own. I just need to know it's okay if I mess around with a guy. Lately relationships haven't been working out to well for me. Honestly I cannot remember the last real one that I was in, if I've ever been in one. So now I am just going to be single. Give up in a sense. But not quite. I'll do the guy thing. I'll mess around with people but not let myself get attached. It's what most people seem to be doing. And if they do seem to start getting attached or see that they might, guys will sever whatever they have with us and bolt. Okay, for the lucky few the guy is good and decent and sticks around. But that never is the case for me. So I think I'll try this, at least for a little while. If I see myself getting to attached to someone then I will let them go and move on to the next. I no longer give a shit if you think that's whore behavior because my life is not yours to make decisions in what I do. I could be so much worse than what I am. I could be selling myself on the streets of Aurora at midnight. I could be sleeping with guys five years older than me. I could be having sex at school. Despite what people like to assume about me, I haven't done that much. Sure I've slept with people. But in at least two years that won't matter anymore. By then so much of our class with have slept with someone that the fact that I'm not a virgin won't matter. We all end up having sex. It's a fact of life. Why does it matter to you that I started a bit earlier? It's not your vagina. It's mine. Hate to be so blunt with you but it's just how it is. And all of you have no problem telling me what you think about me little "habit." It's just sex. After your first time it doesn't mean as much anymore. Now that is not me telling you to give it up to just any guy. All I'm saying is that when you're a virgin, and you're a girl, sex is a big deal. It's very personal. But then you lose your virginity and it's like "Okay this is fun. I want to have fun with more people." It becomes easier to sleep with people than it was before you lost it. This is the way it is when you're an adult. Sure we're not adults yet, but most of us act like it. We smoke and we drink when we're not even old enough to do that. If you're going to tell me to not participate in an "adult activity" then I think that you should stop drinking and having a cigarette until you are old enough too. See it's different when the table gets flipped to face you doesn't it? So tell me not to do this, I dare you. Because for once I won't be listening. For once I'm going to do what I want to in my own life without anyones consent. For once I'm finally going to be me.

Forget Me, Not.

Okay so maybe we haven't graduated yet. But I really hope that you don't forget me. You are one of the most amazing people I have ever met. You seem to know me better than I could ever know myself. Even when I try and kid my own mind, you turn it around to let me know that I do know what your talking about and that I do know what I'm doing. I try and mask it with a smile or a quick laugh. But you keep a stern face on and let me know that I cannot fool you. Does it bug me? Yes. Can it hurt me sometimes? Yes. Would I want it any other way? No. I look forward to talking to you everyday that I can. You're the first name I look for when I get online. It's a little more than vaguely pathetic since I know you've never and will never feel how I feel towards you. The feeling has just been following me around for a little bit. But I can't forget it. Why? I have no fucking idea. Okay so I started writing this post a couple hours ago and was unaware of how to fill it. And now I know how to, by going against the topic of this posting. I need to forget you. I don't care if you forget me or not. All I know is I need to just let go of how I feel about you and get on with my life. Yeah, I mean I'll miss all the great advice and you making me laugh at the stupidest things. I will miss that, it cheers me up so much. But I think I can find someone who will replace you. No, I know WILL find someone who WILL replace you. At the moment I think it's the best thing for me to do. I can't get attached to anyone at all. It's the perfect way of setting myself up for getting hurt. I've done it in the past. And it's something I haven't let myself do since 8th grade. That was, until you came along. You've already caused me hurt and caused me pain, but not in the way people usually do. So I have to let you go. And I will keep saying that same phrase over and over again until it actually happens. Because this type of pain you've caused hurts more than it ever has with any other guy before. I trusted, and still do I guess, trust you 100% with anything. I gave you all of myself. Which might have been the problem. You gave me none of you. I suppose that is on my head though. I've never given someone that much of me. Then I did to someone who, to be honest, I barely knew. Maybe someday I'll be strong enough to go back and remember you. But for now, I'm as weak as I've always been. And you don't even care.

Finally

Sorry if I've been behind on my postings. It's been a hell of a couple of weeks and lately I barely have time to sit down and do a Myspace survey let alone write a blog post or two. But I'm gonna try to do it more often now. I promise my Katie Bug (: Anyways you're probably wondering why I picked the PostSecret that I did. If you weren't, then I guess you're just a smart cookie eh? Anyways, as I'm sure that you know I'm not a virgin. I've had sex. With more than one guy too. *GASP* I know, how shocking that a teenager would have sex. It's just horrible isn't. I mean I obviously must be a dirty skank. Wrong. I'm sorry if I make a choice that goes against your opinions or beliefs. But I'm not going to stop doing something just because you, whoever you are, is against what I do with MY time. Excuse for not realizing that my sex life was any of your concern. Oopsie. But I will definitely keep that in mind next time I make a personal decision, I'll be sure to let you know. Well I seem to be getting off of topic here, so let's start the real entry shall we? Basically as a teenage girl we know that teenage boys think about sex only once every three seconds right? So we should be expecting that they try to get some if they ask to hang out or even date us. But yet most of us act so surprised when we make decisions that we have to know will get us into a "complicated" situation. I think it's total bullshit, you just want sympathy. Face it, if you hang out with a guy who is an asshole and uses women then he'll probably try and use you. Now you may be sitting there and calling me a hypocrite. But I'm not. I happen to know exactly what I'm getting myself into when I enter into those different situations. Yeah, I regret almost everytime afterwards especially with a certain situation. It is what I wanted at that time. And hey, I was single. Who the hell are you to judge me as a girl for doing that while I was single but not the guy. He was single too. He fooled around with me. So why is he not called a whore? Why do his "friends" not make jokes at his expense? Why isn't he the one forcing a laugh when people comment on it when he really doesn't find it all that funny? (In fact I'd bet he would be hurting everytime someone made a remark about it, but that's just me.) I don't know the answer to any of those questions, but I do know that it isn't fair. In the long run it won't matter, he was just one of the many jerks I'll run into over the years. And he'll leave just like all the others. Because he was a jerk I'll shrug it off and move on. I always do. But it's the ones that I care about that kill me. I take things slow, not always physically, but emotionally. It takes a bit of time for me to let a guy in and have me trust him pretty much fully. I know have an agreement with myself that I won't have sex/going to third base with a guy unless I'm sure he won't leave me right afterwards. That has happened so many times that I finally just stopped getting into a relationship and started just fooling around with people who I knew didn't care about me and I knew I didn't care about them. But I want to start over. Yeah, I'm down for still messing around and stuff, just with someone I know and trust more than the guys in my past. I don't know. It may not make sense to you guys. But it does to me. 

A Liar And A Cheat

Why do guys feel the need to cheat? If you're feeling feelings that strong towards another person that isn't your "significant other," then you should end it with them. Sure, they'll feel hurt. But girls feel even more hurt if they find out you've been cheating. That sometimes backfires though. Often you guys will lie as to why your breaking up with them. When you do that it just pisses us off even more. Yeah so, it's a short piece today. Not in a great mood right now so I might expand on it later. Kbye.

Rest In Peace Grandma /:

Okay so you may think I'm being retarded. Oh wait! You already do, I know this because someone left a nasty truthbox comment saying I should get over it because it's not like I lost a parent. Well I guess I'll go find your grandmother and giver her a heart attack. Let's see how you feel about it then. Dick. And yeah, I guess it would have been worse to lose a parent. And I'm happy both of mine are still around. But grandma was one of the most special people I ever knew. And she had her eccentric moments, but who doesn't? She bought me my first camera and got me interested in the arts of poetry and photography. Two things I absolutely adore to do. At family events she always had her camera out, taking pictures of everyone and everything. No one liked when she did that. But they would always have a grin on their face when they asked her to stop taking pictures. She was one of the friendliest people I knew. If I went up to Fred Meyer with her I could always count on every worker from Cosmetics to the Deli to know her name. Whenever I would walk down to get her mail, seemingly countless neighbors would shout out for me to say hi or to thank her for something they did for them. I loved spending weekends up there, although I would never admit it. Being away from everything gave me time to think. We would always have oatmeal and eggos for breakfast. Every night was spaghetti or mashed potatoes in front of the t.v with a good movie. Then stay up until one in the morning watching M*A*S*H. Afternoons were spent at the dining room table while my Bumpa, grandpa, taught me how to play solitaire and poker. It was peaceful, maybe even boring, existence. But I loved it. It's how it was. I knew how happy they were to have me up there. Even if it was only once a year that I would stay a weekend. But I always tried to go once a season. She was one of the most generous people I knew. Loved family holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas because it brought us all together as a family. And although she hated Mother's Day, why I do not know, she put up with it because she knew that would drive up and see her one more day out of the year. Family was her whole life. And that, my friends, is why I am especially crushed by her sudden passing. The emptiness she's left on this planet, however small it is to others, will be felt by me for a long time. So don't be a doosche. Appreciate who and what you have. Because in an instant, they could be gone.

Remember That? I Do. And Want To Return.

If you have Myspace then you've probably seen those "You Know You're A 90's Kid..." bulletins that seem to pop up almost randomly at times.  The things that include: You've ever ended a sentence with the word "SIKE!", You just cant resist finishing this... "Iiiin west Philadelphia born and raised...", You remember TGIF on ABC. Step by Step, Family Matters, Dinosaurs, and Boy Meets World, You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school, You remember reading "Goosebumps," You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school. Personally I remember, and did all of those things. Being  kid was so much fun. You got to run through the sprinkler, have your parents make you PB&J everyday after school, and just be free. Nowadays summer jobs keep us away from the sprinklers, we have to make our own food and we seem to be chained to homework for several hours a day. But that's not the only thing we left behind. It was the innocence and the pigtails and the constant laughter. Boys still had cooties so we never suffered a single heartbreak. The highest we ever got was swinging at the playground. We only sucked lollipops. But now? Our lives are spiraled in directions we could never have imagined. Little kids I play with or babysit always tell me how they want to be a big teenager and have cool teenage lives. It's so hard for me to just sit there are smile gently at them. They're so full of hope and love. I sit up and night and think about how I wish I could just go back to it all. Back to when my heart was full and bursting. Back to when I cared about nothing except getting a barbie for Christmas. Back when I got shy just holding a guys hand. And back to when I only cried because I fell off my bike...

Screw Seniors, Sophmores Need A Break Too!

Who says school flu has to be limited to seniors? They're only two years older than us, why should they get any special treatment?! Although we will expect it when we are seniors ourselves (: Now back to the point! It is early May and we over worked. Some of us drowning in essays from English class. Others are about to snap at their biology teachers, namely me. But when have I ever not wanted to kill him? Anywho! I just looked at the calender and we get like one or two more days off of school FOR THE NEXT TWO MONTHS! Can any of us handle that? I don't think so. It's starting to get sunny and the girls are pulling out those booty shorts again. This means an equal distraction to the guys as well. No one wants to be stuck inside on a beautiful day learning about quadratic equations or the process of evolution. And tell me, who honestly wants to hear Mr. Stearns say we can't go outside on yet another pretty Monday because he has a stick up his ass? I would honestly focus so much better if I could read on the grass of the field. Think about it. Either we ask the school for more off days or just do classes outside! With all the time spent off in the winter, you'd think the administration would have some sort of heart to let us have more fun in the sun! Especially given that our summer is just barely two months long. I know kids that are getting out on May 15th. So many students at Shorewood are just begging for a sun day (Get it? sunny day=sun day, similar to snow day. Whatever. I'm lame.) But yes, we need more days off. Or some type of cure to the sophmore version of senioritis. Need to think up a name for it... Soon it's gonna be June and the shorts are gonna get shorter while the binders get thicker. It's just not fair. And then they expect us to focus on finals?! Whatta bunch whatta bunch...

What If?

I think this basically speaks for itself. I don't know why, but last night I was laying awake and staring at the ceiling when all of sudden that night came rushing back into my head. And like I do with all things I sat there and dissected it far more than probably was necessary. Also like everything these days it's hard to explain exactly why I put all that thought into it. I do agree with you. I don't feel as much of a connection as there was before. I'm moving on to the next thing and am more than happy to be just friends. But I have a tendency to think 'what if' with just about everything. So what would have happened if I had kissed you? Would we be together? Would we have realized we were actually better off friends? I mean what? And before you get on your high horse and judge me, I know that everyone thinks 'what if' about something in their life. Even if it's the smallest thing like 'what if I had gotten to the coffee shop one second later, would I still have spilled my mocha all over me?' So many people like to act all high and mighty and be like 'I live with no regrets! Take that bitches.' I just don't understand it. I have made so many mistakes, so many regrets. And yes, all of those have turned me into the person I am today. Maybe I wouldn't have learned as much in life if I hadn't made those mistakes. Who the hell knows? But I still regret my actions in one way or another. So when people say that it just frusturates me. No one likes living with the regret of not saying something or acting in a different way than they should have. So what makes you all special to say I live with no regrets? I honestly want to know so maybe one day I can be the kid walking down the street saying that I've lived my life to it's fullest potential and mistakes crammed in every now and again but I have no regrets. So tell me please! Actually, maybe you're just bumping along to a Bobby McFerrin song, one of my faves, 'Don't Worry Be Happy.' If so then I guess I can't blame you. It does have a very catchy and chill beat about it. If you're wondering why I brought it up it's because it just started playing on my iTunes.

Trying To Explain

I do. I have so many things I would adore being able to tell you. But it's so hard. I mean even just last nights conversation was a struggle for me. You are one of the most amazing kids that I know. And I know you're reading this and going "Wow this girl is pathetic." Which I am. Haha. Liking a guy who just wants to be friends? I mean really, how much more dumb can you get? Not much I reckon. I tried hard to tell you what I wanted to before. But I couldn't get it all out in the open. And I still can't. As hard as I try, I just don't know how to say it to you. I mean, trust me, I am fine with being just friends. I still want you in my life even if it's just buddy buddy. But this entry is not just about you. It's about the all the people I can't say things too. So this entry is going to be like one of those Facebook/Myspace things where you list different things you want to say to people. And in this one I will not be telling people what I enjoy about them. Let's get started shall we? 1) First off, you are total and complete bitch. You yell at me for what I do when you're off doing the exact same thing. Except yours is worse because you never own up to your reputation. At least I can admit the mistakes I've made in the past have made me into what I am today. What you do is just about the same thing that I do just your actual actions are more innocent than mine, well not all of them. Own up to what you do. Slutt. 2) You can be one of the most two-faced people I have ever met. You'll talk shit about me behind my back then walk right over to me and start talking shit to me about the person you just just shit talked me too. MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND! No one else may see it, but I do. And all that bullshit really needs to come to an end. Well that's it. Sorry if you were expecting to see a lot of people up here, but there were only two people I needed to bitch at without actually bitching at. And well, since I know they both read this, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off of my chest. I guess I've just become so accustomed to you guys pointing out my imperfections and mistakes straight to my face that I just had to do it back to you. You seem to have no idea how it all affects me. YES! I have made mistakes. I own up to them every chance I can get. But I don't like them being pointed out over and over again. My chest tightens up and honestly I feel like I want to cry because I could be doing way worse things than what I have done. No one is perfect okay? I know you two like to think you are. But you're not. People make mistakes. They have these things called flaws. And so do you. I KNOW! How fucking shocking to even think that you could possibly be cursed with such a thing. Well there's the truth about what I think. Your names weren't posted because I thought I'd respect you, not that you would recognize respect if it hit you in the face. If you're interested that it could be you, just message me. I'll be only to happy to inform you if it is or not.

Mistakes

"One day all the mistakes you've ever made will come back to haunt you." -Dad. For the most part I think this can be true. A majority of the things I have done in the past already have or are beginning to have consequences. It's my fault. I have no problem whatsoever owning up to that. But now I'm starting to regret most of the decisions that I've made. They've put me into a place that I don't like to be in. With every new guy that I meet I always have to wonder if he actually likes me for me or if he's just looking for some action. As of late it's more often than not been the second one. Anyone who knows what I've done during school in 6th minus 2nd period, knows exactly what I'm talking about. And I can't even begin to tell you how much that hurts. All I want is a guy who likes and respects me for who I am. Sure there will be physical benefits, I mea all relationships have them. I'm not talking about sex on the second date or whatever but slowly accumulating over time. Is that really too much to ask for? I mean yeah, teenage guys think with their dick and not their brain but why would someone want to be a cliche? Guys, unless the girl is a slut she isn't looking for a dick, she wants a man. To quote a line from my favorite movie, Say Anything; 'The world is full of guys. Be a man." I think that sums it up better than I ever could. Have a great day :D

Never Enough...

Poor, inferior, unsatisfactory, inadequate, unacceptable, not up to snuff, deficient, imperfect. All these words add up to one thing; not good enough. And it's how I feel on a daily basis. I work and work but I still can't even make it up to average. My G.P.A isn't high. I try and try but I still only manage to scrape by on high B's or low A's, save for Biology in which I have an F and math in which I have an A. I'm athletic and I try hard. But I didn't suck up so I wasn't a part of the varsity or districts team. My hair is never un-frizzy and is always sticking out in one direction or the other. Sometimes I forget to put lotion on my arms or even shave one my legs. So far I have not come across anything in life in which I can be better than just enough to get by. I suck at relationships too. I'm not even good enough to hold onto a boyfriend for more than one or two months. There is the problem with my reputation, but I've been trying to fix that. I don't want the one thing I'm good at being that I'm the village bicycle, where everyone has had a ride. I got fired from my job because I wasn't "authentic "enough to work there. I cleared dishes at a Mexican restaurant. That might be racist but I'm not exactly sure. I can't draw to save my life and only stick to random doodles on the side of paper during Biology. I'm an adequate writer. I have no luscious or rich vocabulary that fills the far corners of my brain. Nothing I do seems to be good enough for anyone. Just once in my life I want to be able to do something that is above the par of society. Just once I want tp be good enough. BTW: that's my secret up there :D

The Neighbor, Five Houses To The Left...

Oh my lord. Christian Elizabeth Mason! How I love your golden curls of sexxx :D You are one of the most amazing chicas I have ever met. There are so many things that remind me of you. So many in fact, that I cannot go a day without seeing something that reminds me of you. Haha. It goes all the way from 7-11 hot chocolate to creepers in subway. Our mutual hatred of Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana/Gehrke. I hope you like the picture I associate with you btw... And as I am typing this I am looking directly at our lovely Bethany G. Love her so much! Haha. God there are just so many little things that add up to our friendship! Uffie, Spiro, stealing food, undrinken milk, butt sex, Selena Gomez, inner-city kids, bowing, hott apple guys, fourth period, slut nicknames, lettuce wraps, slugbug game; just to name a couple... :D But yes, you are one of the most jaw-dropping and stupendous guuuurl ever. While I hate to hear it, I know that I can count on you to tell me what's what. You one of the only people I know that will tell me exactly how you feel about me. And I admire you for that. I can trust you with just about anything and know if I tell you not to tell, then that secret is kept under lock and key. If I'm having a crappy day, all I have to do is look at your 100 megawatt smile and the beautiful untamed mane atop your head, and I feel so much better. Ahwww (: Yes. Yes. I thoroughly hope you enjoy this entry and hope you know that there is so much more I can say about you then that is up here. And remember, I may be a hoe, but I am your hoe!

Eventually One Half Will Become Your Whole.

Today was the day I finally realized something. For the past couple months one part of me wanted one person while the other wanted someone else entirely. Today I realized that one half of me had stopped wanting someone. Now I want one single someone with all of me. Wow that made no sense. But ah. I just don't know what to do with how I feel. I like him. This would be a given. In fact it's probably pretty obvious. But I don't know how he feels. Ah. I know. I could have way worse problems than this. And I do. I just happen to shove all of those to the back of mind. I like focusing on my small problems because then it seems like all my bigger ones, aren't there anymore. Just for once I want my love life to go exactly the way I want it to go. Basically, I suck at relationships. I'm either too attached or we act more like friends. I can't seem to be able to find a middle ground. Not to mention I've made mistakes in my past, and I'll probably make those same ones in my future, so that kind of gave me a reputation I'd rather not have. With that in mind, it makes it harder to figure out what someones real intentions with me are. I'm not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me. I made the decisions that got me into that position in the first place. Hmm. Where was I? Oh yeah, I want to tell you. Maybe if you read this you'll figure it out. I don't know. Read between the lines or something cool like that. Who knows if you'll even read it? Oh my god. My brain's on freaking overdrive right now. I'm actually getting a headache. Happy Easter everyone (:

Math Class!

Ahw Katie Bug. This one's for you, haha. First off I just want to ask you one thing; do you know how long it took me to find that freaking PostSecret that even remotely related to math? A freakishly long time. But you wanted me to do it, so I did. That my friend is how much I adore you. Secondly you are what makes my 'B' days a little more bearable. I mean I have Gehrke fourth period, but you're just a little more fun to be around. I enjoy our little text messaging conversations. Especially today's. Heh heh. I still have those pictures. That wasn't intended to sound dirty at all btw... Anyways you amuse me to no end. It really helps out because, while I adore math, it's one of my most boring classes. Mostly because of the teacher and everyone with Marapao will back me up on it. Haha. Anyways, I'm gonna wrap this upp. Love you KatieBug :D

Buses

Hahahaha. This just fit me so nicely. I have to ride the bus three to six times a week. I enjoy the ride. I truly do. You can meet some of the most unique people there. I even met my BFFL alan on it. Haha. Love that kid. Anyways I just thought I'd make this short and sweet today (:

The Truth

For those of you that don't know, which is probably most of you, I used to cut myself. And not my wrists. Although I did do that once but that scar has been long gone thanks to some ointments and such. Anyways, I wanted to be different so I cut myself in other places. Places where people couldn't see the damage I was doing to myself. I'm not going to say where because that would just destroy the fun of it. The reason I chose to bring this up is because, like every Sunday, I woke up and looked at PostSecret and saw this particular one. Now every Sunday I can always find at least one secret that I am able to relate to. But this one just had me floored. Because I've sent my secrets in before. One of them has even been published on the site, want to know which one? Just ask me and I'll show it to you. Anyways, I sent my most recent secret in on Thursday and this certain one is held very close to me. No one knows I actually feel like it. Sure I talk about it with my friends, but to me it's not a joke like it is to them. To me it's how I actually feel. Well when I sent that aforementioned secret in, I felt a rush or release of emotion and adrenaline. Just like I did when I cut myself. You might be wondering why I felt the need to cut myself. If you're not then you're going to find out anyway. It was around March of 2006 (7th grade for the kiddos in my grade,) me and the first guy I had given a shit about had just broke up and my entire group of friends had turned on me because of some shit this chick Lindsey had said. Basically I had to start all over. Now this was familiar territory for me since I had been the new girl that year. But that was the problem. I had only been in Shoreline for a grand total of six months. I didn't talk to a lot of people outside of my group of kids. If you knew me back then you know how shy I was. I was starting all over. It was just like it was September again. But that wasn't all of it. Now a lot of families are fucked up beyond repair. Mine would be one of them. I'm not going to get into detail but basically the past August we had to get a restraining order against my grandmother and stop talking to the whole of my dad's side of the family. So it was all of my family drama combined with the fact that I basically had no more friends to talk to. Soooo yeah. That basically wraps up this post.

Good Morning Heartbreak, You're Like An Old Friend. Come To Greet Me Yet Again...

Yes it's true. Every time I hear you voice, something in the vicinity of my chest begins to ache. It won't stop until you've left the room and people have stopped laughing at your jokes that really aren't all that funny. I see you in the hallway at school all the time. I stick that fake smile on and give you a small wave. You have no idea how hard it is for me to even muster up the strength to do just that. But I will still go out of my way to "run into you" during school. And yet I can't gather up enough courage to ask you if you want to hang out. Why can't I do this? I'm over you. I really am. When I'm with my friends I say it over and over again. Because it's the truth. But then someone actually says your name or I see you on the field and all these old feelings come rushing back into me. I can't even begin to explain why I like you. At this moment in time I don't know why I do. Sometimes I wish someone could explain to me why the mention of you drives me crazy. But I fear if they do that then I'll realize, all over again, the reasons I can't have you. And there is nothing I hate more than being reminded of why I can't have the things I want in life. I want to go to a different school. Shoreline is my home but Seattle is my life. I have my best friends there. I enjoy the enjoy the lifestyle and scenery of downtown. The people are crazy in a way that makes me laugh all the time. It's such a different atmosphere then Echo Lake or Richmond Beach. I'd rather spend my time in Lake City or Seattle Center than anywhere else in the vicinity. There you can be anyone you want to be. In Shoreline I feel like we all have to be, or be friends with, someone who has a fancy house in Richmond Beach with a view of the water. While that is a nice lifestyle, it's not realistic. Seattle allows the rich to rub elbows with the homeless and smile about it. Seattle is and always will be my home. I want, no need, to get out of Shoreine. It suffocates me to the point where I feel that I can no longer breathe. A new school, a new group of people, a new life will give me the air back. The air I so desperatley need.

Hello All

Hello there! I figured since some of my last posts weren't large on details or were just some dumb poems, I'd actually write about how I feel. Whoo! Fun times. Haha. In fact I think I might start doing this more frequently now. Anyways, today hasn't been a good day so far. I've been in a weird funk that I can't exactly explain. When I took a shower, somehow I had forgotten to wash my hair. Who the hell does that? And then I went and cleaned my room instead of surfing Myspace or Facebook. Believe me, you'd need a bulldozer to clean my room. And for those of you who know me I'm not exactly the most motivated person. Read: lazy. Not to mention I've been thinking of the most random person lately. And it's probably not who think it is. Read: not Anthony. It's someone I haven't thought about in a long time. And for me a long time is, in this case, three weeks. But my mom said the word tropical and suddenly I couldn't remove him from my brain. No idea why but it is what is. Oh and the picture relates to him. So! If he's reading this then he should know who I'm talking about right now. But blah blah blah. I know it's not going to happen. So I should just let it go. Right? Wrong. I hate how people tell you to let it go like it's just that simple. It's not that simple. If it was then no one would ever have a messy love life. All someone would have to do is tell themselves to not like the guy that always hurts them and fall for their best friend that has always been there and loves them to death. But that doesn't happen, so I would appreciate it if people stopped telling me to let him go. I would if I could assholes. Asdfghjkl; Gahh. Sorry. I just don't know right now. In fact this whole entry makes absolutely no sense, even to myself. My feelings are so mixed up inside of me. I don't know what to do anymore. I throw myself into situations I shouldn't. For the moment it makes me feel better to get lost in a moment I know will help me for whatever length it lasts. But then I go back to class and I feel emptier then before. I try to talk to people about it, but all they seem to do is scold me for doing it in the first place. Which is the right thing to do. What I'm doing is unexcusable. Except all I want is a little support every now again. The reason I do it because I'm lonely or horny or something! Whatever. I don't even know. I want to know that my actions can be forgiven no matter how many times I've done it or where it happened. When I see the reaction on people's faces when they hear what I've done it just kills me. It's wrong. AHHH! I'm getting myself confused again. Once again my mind is running in circles. I'm like a dog chasing its tail. I'll never catch it, but I enjoy the chase. What the fuck am I even saying right now? Shitt. I'm off to be dude. Maybe then I can actually get some answers. Peace.

Haven't Posted In Awhile...

This is a poem I wrote about a month ago. It's not that good, but I like it because it explains a lot. Not to others but to myself. Hard to explain how but it just does. It's called 'I want but i'm afraid.'

I want to give you my whole heart

But i'm afraid you'll break it again

I want to fall in love with you

But i'm afraid you won't fall for me

I want to tell you everything on my mind

But i'm afraid you'll judge who I am

I want to ask you questions

But i'm afraid you won't answer honestly

I want to know what makes your world go 'round

But i'm afraid I won't be the one to make it spin

I am scared of it all; of you

Shit On A Stick

I've been having a lot of thoughts I really shouldn't be having. I don't know why though. I've been thinking about bad things. That sounds so retarded. But it's true. I have a good life. So why do I keep wondering how? Is it because of the book I've read? Is it because I actually want to? I don't know. I really don't know. I can't talk to anyone about it because all they'd ask is why. They wouldn't want to help or anything. They'd just want to know and I wouldn't be able to tell them because I don't even know. This particular entry is very repetitive. But it's what's going on inside of my head. Asdfghjkl;

La la la.

Haven't done one in awhile. Here it goessssss.

ace ace, in your face. haters better know their place. party hearty, rock&roll, drink bicardi, lose control. life is great, sex is fun.  WE'RE THE CLASS OF DOUBLE ONE!

i have to say the sophmore class is gay as shit. we like drama, swear too much(myself included), and just assholes in general. in some cliques the do-si-do with relationships and such. but other then that, i absolutely love our class. except that we've got third place in spirit competitions the past two years. which is retarded. anyways, i didn't know what to write about so i used the chant me and jen made up awhile ago to base it off of.

Attention Readers

I'm on strict restriction for 8 weeks. I'll be doing a one or at most three posts a week. Mostly poetry I've worked on the past weekend. But just in case you miss me, KATIE *cough*, just thought I'd warn you. Yes yes.

More Poetry For Pondering

Well, I'll say it. I adore writing poetry. And I guess I'm okay at it. Well, i'm gonna try and submit it for money to contests and stuff. So you're feedback is super important here. I kind of write about heavier topics. Most people like to write about love and happiness. Fuck that shit. The first poem, the worst written of the two, is kind of about abuse. It's mentioned subtly, if you pay attention then you can see where I mention it. The second is loosely based off a book I'm currently reading for english called '13 Reasons Why.' In my opinion, a very good book. Sad but brilliant. I did write a third one, but that will come later as it is total shit.

Number One

Her hands tremble

As the door slowly opens

She creeps toward the phone

Careful to walk over

The loose step on the stairs

All she can hear

Is her own breathing

Thick and heavy in the

Still quiet of the house

She grips the phone

And dials slowly

A trickle of blood from

Her forehead drips down

Onto her shaky hand

Behind her, the closet opens

But she doesn't notice

The floorboards creak

But she doesn't notice

A hand swipes over her mouth

Red and blue lights flash outside

Then blackness

Number Two

She walks down the hall

Her head kept low

Looking up for a brief moment

Her eyes lock into his

She tries to push her hair back,

It instead falls in front of her face

He smiles her way

But she doesn't see him

She's pushing through the crowd

Trying to get away from him

From the only reason that

Could keep her alive

But her mind is made up

Nothing can change that

He turns and watches her

Fight through a sea of bodies

In his mind it's also decided

He'll ask her tomorrow

Doesn't he know it'll be too late...

Written 2/11/09 at 11:56 p.m.

This has to be one of my worst poems ever written. But I'm trying to get feedback on it. If you have me on facebook or myspace, then let me know what you think. And btw: this in no way reflects my own first time...

I look up

Light slides under the door

And enters the room

My eyes close

I pull the comforter tighter

Around my naked body

The sheets are crumpled at my feet

Images from the past hours

Flash through my mind

I rub my feet together

The room is too cold

And something in my head tells 

Me it shouldn't be like this

The pain

It was too much to bear

A tear slides down my cheek

Light suddenly floods into the room

I know he's back

I turn and face the wall

Pretending to be asleep

His hand touches my shoulder

It's ice cold

I try not to flinch

Givung up, he leaves the room

Footsteps

The front door slams

And he's gone...

I don't care if you hate, well I do. But that's why I'm asking! I need to know how to make myself a better writer. So hit me up with advice and comments and such...

My Final Draft.

Dear Mr. Witt,

Well this is it fucker, how so many people feel. Basically the entire first semester you have made me miserable and just plain pissed everyone off.

 Okay, yes, I could have done more homework. But that shouldn't have been the only thing to keep my grade so low. You don't give anyone a break. I know people that switch out so they're able to maintain their 4.0. There are some of the most intelligent people in our grade that take your course and still come out with only a B+ or an A-. But that isn't even close to the end.

Now, have I mentioned the way you just come off to people? You're sort of tall and fat topped off by greasy black hair with grey streaks in it. You're balding very obviously. It goes to the middle of your head in a sort of half oval shape. Then your face! It's all pig like and squashed in. You're eyes look like the beads people stick on stuff animals. Then there's those big coke bottle glasses that nerds wore in the 80's. I mean if they were retarded back then, then they'll be retarded today. Plus you have leathery looking skin. It just looks like it should be on a couch or something. Now to the rest of you. Remember when we had to discuss with you about our opening statements, but it was during a test so you leaned in closer? Yeah, I smelled your fucking breath. I don't think bus 109 even smells that bad. And if you didn't know, that bus smells pretty foul. Then there's your odor, but it's nothing to out of the ordinary. Just regular smelly body odor. And we haven't even started on your hands. Now I hate my hands very much so, but yours make mine look good enough to be a hand model. Your nails are chipped and broken with a whole bunch of cracks in them. They have that ugly yellowing fungus thing like you see in the commercials. And the skin also has that thick leathery look to it. They wrinkle on knuckles, but it's not like the little amount on other people's. It looks like when you mess up a blanket real bad.

Let's get started on your attitude. You waltz around the classroom like you're better then us. Just because you went to mother fucking Stanford doesn't mean you're any better then me or any other person in your classes. First off we haven't gone to college yet, so you can't judge us. Secondly the type of university someone goes to doesn't necessarily make you a better human being. Oh and just because we don't know the answer to a question we were never asked on a subject we've never covered before doesn't make us bad students! We've been programmed to only read and answer the questions you assign us. Scan the page, answer questions, turn in the homework and move on. Then you assign us a test and we refer back to it to study.

Speaking of tests, yours fucking suck. I remember when you gave us that one on cells or something. You messed up the key AND put information we haven't covered in class before on there. Then wet around like "Oh! I added five points because I messed up." No! You don't do that. What you do is either fix the key or re-test us. Shithead. We each lost 15 points on that one, not just a mere five. That's how basically all of your tests are. At the beginning of the year they dragged on like every single one of them was our final exam.

Don't you even get me started on homework. I may not be in honors English, but my teacher assigned us basically two essays a month, well just about. And then I had three research papers in my Social Studies class. Not to mention my math teacher gave us a unit test every other week so a lot of my time was spent studying for that. Last, but not least I'm in a higher up foreign language, so I had a lot of work in that class.

I guess in all I can't really chalk up a full good reason about why I hate you. But I just do. I detest your guts, and you got a lot of gut to detest let me tell you. Oh and I have a question for you. If you're a high and mighty Stanford graduate, what are you doing teaching a high school tenth grade biology class? Just wondering is all. Because you're so intelligent and all that jazz.

So, I was talking with my therapist. And I do say good things about you. Like how you're smart and graduated Stanford. But I think that's about it... Anyways! She simply thinks you have a different teaching style than most do. And I have to say that I agree with her. I mean, reflecting over our homework than showing us a webpage, and assigning us new homework is definitely different. But isn't exactly the best way to teach us the stuff we need to know in order to pass the science WASL, which is coming up quite soon. And not that it matters since we don't need to pass it, which just shows how unimportant science really is in our everyday lives. All we need to is pass the reading and writing section. Which I don't understand since math is super crucial. But whatever. I just thought I'd let you know all of this because I believe that I may burst out in class and just bitch you out. But you're not worth getting suspended over so this feels so much better.

Love,

An Adoring Student  

P.S: I did this in Times New Roman 12 pt. font just for you :]

shit talker.

heykids;

Before you dip yourself in your shallow pool of wit, let me paint you a picture and save us both the trouble. You’re going to go around to your mindless hanger-ons calling me all the words that are in the English language to define a prostitute, laugh it off, and roll your eyes at me every chance you’ll get, but I wont stoop down to your level. You can’t simply assume who I am by words passed along currents of gossip. I am more than you perceive. I am more than a label you stick on a person by a perspective of an instigator. I haven’t the time nor the patience for silly junior-high/high-school drama. Honestly you’ve hit rock bottom to bring down others’ self-esteem to boost yours. You’ll see when you’ve stepped into adulthood that this entire petty and frivolous manner doesn’t pay off. You are just wasting your own time starting something that I won’t bother to take another look at. Just let go of the nonsense and grow up.

Let me get this straight. I did not write the above. I found it on another blog. But I whole heartedly agree with it. It seems to suit me too. Since people walk around our school calling me a slut. There's no reason for that bullshit. Let me get another thing out there, I am not virgin. But that doesn't make me a whore. Just because a girl has had sex doesn't mean she automatically goes around screwing every guy she meets. If you kids found out a guy was doing that then he'd be a god in your eyes. Being able to "tap that ass up." But no, if you look back in history it's a common double standard of society. The guy gets all the glory, the more he can score. While the girl can do the same and yet you call her a whore. I just don't understand why it has to be like that. Asdfghjkl; The whole thing just pisses me off to no end. Especially because my guy best friend screws around with a lot of girls. And all the guys I know that hang out with him just worship him. Fucking stupid.